Right now, that’s all I can think about. I’m a total fake. I’ve suddenly gone from less anxious in general to a sudden panic. I think realisation has hit me. People who know me are going to fucking hate me when they read this or find out how I feel. I know they will. By not being honest to them about who/what I am, is that not the same as lying to them? I should have told them I was messed up. That way they can make their own minds up about whether to include me in their lives. But I didn’t. I’ve misled people. Those who have allowed me into their lives have put their trust in me. They like me for who I am to them. And now, they’ll realise I’m not the person they thought I was. To be perfectly honest, I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I feel like I need to figure this out asap. It’s driving me crazy. It always has done, I just didn’t realise. This identity. The one that everyone has known or seen or experienced. Is that still the real me? Or is the real me actually unknown because I’ve spent so long running away from the truth that I’ve ended up creating some kind of alternative identity to try and compensate for or hide from who I feel I should be?? Is my (current) identity made up of me trying to live as a male since birth? Society, parents, things we see, things we hear or experience…they all shape who we are and we take certain lessons from that. Did I latch onto the “male things” because that’s what I felt I needed to do? Try and be as manly as possible in order to stop everyone from guessing that I think like a female? Thinking about that, I’ve never actually been particularly “male”. So what does that do for my identity? See what I mean?!!
This is so fucking confusing. It tears me apart from the inside. Getting drunk till I pass out, zoning out on tablets or planning suicide have been the only things that have brought any kind of possible comfort to my internal conflict. I’d happily end my life right now if I could. Turn off my light, stop the thoughts and put a stop to the suffering. Thing is, I can’t. I’d be letting people down. The people that have allowed me into their lives after being conned by me. Maybe when they realise I’m like this, they may want me dead? At least that way things would be easier when I check-out. Nobody to miss me or care. That’s why I’ve always preferred being alone. It’s heartbreaking at times but I always figured it’s for the best. I remember being single and trying so hard not to make connections. I’d go to work then go home and stay in my room till it was time to go to work again the next day. People at work thought I hung out with another group of friends. Friends would think I hung out with people from work. The reality was I wanted to be alone and it was easier to just tell little lies so people didn’t ask questions or get suspicious. I remember spending Christmases on my own. I’d wait for my housemate to go home for Christmas, telling them I’d be doing the same soon, and then just cook myself a little Christmas dinner before watching a film or playing music. It was a bit like any other day really, only with a nice meal so I could celebrate Christmas in my on way. I’d live in fear of my housemate coming home and discovering that I’d not actually gone anywhere. I did ok for a while. I was able to block out the need to have friends etc. Sadly, being alone is difficult when there are so many people around you but having said that, I constantly feel alone because nobody will really understand or accept me. My truth is what stops me from being able to live. If I can’t live, then I may as well just say my goodbyes and go. People will hate me if they knew and let’s face it, society will never accept somebody like me. As I said in a previous post, people freak out when presented with something they don’t understand. I can only hope that those that genuinely like me will be understanding enough to try and see things from my point of view. Even if only just for a few moments. I would love for somebody to tell me it’s ok and that I’m not a freak or going crazy. I wish.
Featured image: via quickmeme.com