Making Sense Of A Blog That’s Trying To Make Sense Of Me

Ok, this is a blog. A bit like a diary. A bit like a book. A lot like waffle.

Everything is in date order, with the latest stuff shown first, so in order to understand everything it’s probably best to start at the beginning with the first post: Why Am I Writing This? You may also find something useful in the About Me section too.

I’m usually found chirping on about something or other on social media but I’ve never written a blog, so this is all new to me. I don’t know what to expect or what I’m actually doing!! Feel free to leave comments or get in touch if you have anything nice to say. Assuming anybody even reads this at all!!

Going Backwards

Shattered

I’ve spent the past few days feeling a bit ambivalent about everything. I’m not entirely sure why. I honestly thought I was doing so well but instead it’s like I’ve taken a huge step back. My other half and I still haven’t spoken about it again, since I told her over a week ago. In fact, I’ve not really spoken to anybody about it. I’ve just gone back to being on my own. To be perfectly honest, it’s probably easier that way. Not talking to anyone means I don’t have to bug them about it. I’m pretty sure people have other things to be getting on with in their lives, without needing to hear about me and my ongoing problem. I must sound like a broken record.

So why do I feel this way? As I mentioned in my last post, I hadn’t made any progress since I made an absolute mess of revealing all to my wife. But now I seem to be moving backwards. So technically there has been progress recently, just in the wrong direction. I still don’t really know what my wife is thinking, so I’m left to draw my own conclusions. I try not to though. Especially when I keep reverting back to the ending I’ve been dreading: she wakes up one day, realises what this means and leave me. Maybe it’s reassurance that I need, or maybe it’s being in limbo whilst there’s an obvious elephant in the room that only I can see? Or maybe she thinks it’s no big deal and life is continuing as before? But it is a big deal. Certainly for me. My very existence is being examined and I’m supposed to make some kind of decision about it. Whatever happens, there is no going back. Maybe it’s the pressure of the situation that is making me not want to go any further? It’s really fucking confusing. If I know how I feel about me, then why can’t I just do something? Anything. Let’s face it, anything is better than what’s happening right now.

I’m not going to lie, it’s also been a pretty lonely few days. I’ve been trying to get on with each day, just to make it through to the end. My ability to get on with life is dwindling. I can’t ignore things or just get on with things, not like I used to. In fact, this is all I can think about now. All day, every day. It’s driving me insane. Like when you have the answer on the tip of your tongue but you just can’t say what it is. I just need something to shut it off so I can have few moments of peace. I wish I had some tablets to take as things are starting to boil over again, I can feel it.

I don’t think I can write anymore at the moment. My thoughts are just too fragmented. Nothing makes sense and I’m just frustrating myself more trying to make sense of things. Hopefully the next few days will be better days.

Featured image: via Google

Well, That Was Unexpected!!

Pets Creature Cheap Cat Gifts

I was in 2 minds over my last post: should it have been public or private? It’s for my wife and nobody else so, in that sense, it should be private. However, it stems from the honesty and transparency which this blog has given me. So why hide what I want to say? Besides, that letter was an extension of this blog…something that will hopefully help her to see what I’m going through. After writing that post, I was expecting to spend another night drowning inside my own head. Instead, I spent the night (and morning) talking to her about it.

Read More »

An Open Letter To My Wife

Penguins

First of all, I am so sorry this is happening. I cannot help but feel like I have misled you or lied to you. Please know that I never wanted to be the person I am. It’s not something I chose, nor is it something I can change. I am also truly sorry for being this way and for not being able to tell you straight away. That brings me to the next thing: telling you. I really have been wanting to but, as my posts have shown, it’s been such a difficult journey to get to today. I won’t lie, there have been quite a few times where I thought ending my life would be the best and safest option, so that you’d never have to know or suffer the embarrassment that I would cause you when you find out.

The reason I’m writing this particular post isn’t to dodge having to tell you in person. Hopefully by the time you read this, I will have already told you. I’m writing this as a further explanation. A way to explain myself should we end up arguing or splitting up. In the heat of the moment, it’s always difficult to say what needs to be said or it can be too easy to wander off topic – especially as I know you’ll have a lot questions. I don’t blame you. You deserve answers to those questions and I hope this post (and the entire blog) provides those answers in my absence, should you ask me to leave. A part of me wonders if I should pack a bag in advance, ready for when I tell you. The irony is, I wouldn’t even know what clothes to pack. Haha. Sorry, I shouldn’t really joke at a time like this. I guess I’m just trying to find a way to keep myself calm as I write this. Especially given my recent relationship with certain painkillers.

Please know that until I knew what to say to you, there didn’t seem any point in potentially ruining your life for no reason – especially if all this turned out to be a mistake or a phase. I’ve always been honest and told you everything, which is why this has destroyed me over and over every single day. Since I started this blog, I’ve been trying to figure out what and who I am…but I still don’t fully know the answer. I think I know…but denial is what also stops me from knowing the full answer. I’m also scared too. Not just scared for me, but also for you.

You’re a casualty in the ongoing battle between my body and my brain. It upsets me so much to know that I have failed to be the person that you need or thought I was. There’s a lot to lose and so I needed to make sure before I made the decision to say something. Thinking back to the time we went to the pub and I opened up about why I thought you’d hate me, I should have mentioned this – or at least the possibility of this. But the thing is, I was able to suppress it then. I could force it to the back of my mind and distract myself. Anger over things that had happened in my life fuelled my self-hate, which in turn gave me a way to hide or ignore this part of me. I honestly and truly thought I had it all sorted and that it wouldn’t affect us. If there was any doubt or if I thought for a minute that things could turn out this way, I would have made sure to not get you involved. I admit I was so naive to think that. And now, you suffer potential embarrassment and shame in a life that’s suddenly been turned upside down because of me. I wish I could fix that for you.

When we first met, I knew you were the one for me. I trusted you entirely. I even asked you to look after my drink so that weird stalker guy didn’t try anything!! The more I was around you, the more I could feel some kind of peace. That I didn’t have to constantly battle the world on my own. At the same time, it made me realise I could let my guard down and be more of myself. I felt complete for the first time in my life. I cannot thank you enough for letting me feel like that. I guess that’s what ultimately led me down this path of self-discovery. Just to clarify, I’m not saying this is your fault. Not at all. If anything, you’ve just been you: the caring and genuine person that you are; the person I fell in love with and wanted to marry within a few weeks of knowing you. Remember the conversation we had at the flat one day, where you asked why I chose to wear or look the way I do? And I said I felt comfortable enough to do so around anyone for the first time in my life? Well, that’s the light you provide in my life. It’s my fault for then not being able to control this properly, allowing things that I thought I could ignore or lock away to gradually emerge.

None of this changes the way I feel about you. It never will. However I acknowledge that you finding out will affect the way you feel about me. I honestly don’t blame you. Remember me telling you recently about the nightmares I’d been getting where we’re not together? Well, this is why. I know that when you start looking for or wanting to be with someone else I’ll be powerless to do anything. I wouldn’t stop you. I gave up the right to have any say in the future of this relationship the day I told you the truth about me. There’s only 1 person to blame for all of this, and that’s me. How I now deal with the pain of causing all this is something I must take responsibility for. I refuse to ruin your life any further.

Just know that I am so proud of you and how far you’ve come as a person since we first met. In a way, I’ve have been doing all I can to subtly prepare you for this, so you can continue to succeed and do well regardless of whether I am in your life or not. No matter what happens, I won’t ever stop loving you. It would be impossible to. I know I can’t fix or change myself to the point where things can go back to how they were. Believe me, I have spent the last few months trying. I can totally understand the tough decisions you now face, and I am truly sorry to be the one that has caused you to have to go through this. It’s something I can never ever forgive myself for. All I ever wanted was for you to have the best and to be the one that protected you. As much as I always do everything to give you all I can and to look after you, I have failed at protecting you from myself. Something I never saw coming.

Thank you for loving me and for being you. I know I don’t deserve such an amazing love anymore and I am so very grateful to have experienced it.

All my love forever
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Featured image: via Google
Featured video: “Penguin” by Christina Perri (via Christina Perri’s Youtube page)

“How Do You See Me?”

Blue Plaster

This is a question I’d love to ask people that know me. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve known me for, whether they’ve met me in person or just know me from social media, I’d still like to know. Given what’s happening in my life right now, it’s become more and more important to me. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I just know I’ve become quite concerned about it.Read More »