So Many Questions, Not Enough Answers

So following on from my last (and first) post, things have been weird. I can’t put my finger on it if I’m totally honest. I feel scared, worried, ashamed and even disgusted. But at the same time, I feel a slight sense of relief. Like I’ve just bought myself a bit more time.

Our lives are built around definition. As humans, we need to know. We crumble and fall apart if we can’t categorise or understand something. I mean, have you ever met anybody that doesn’t have a name? Life comes to a grinding halt until something is defined and then we move on – usually forgetting about that minor setback. There’s a film called Arlington Road which sort of illustrates this. Following a terrorist attack, people are unnerved and scared. Could another attack happen? Why would anybody do such a thing? They needed answers. When a name is given on the news, people find a sense of relief and can return to their lives. But that’s just a name. What if that name belonged to somebody who wasn’t even involved? People don’t care. They just need an answer. Any answer – as long as it allows them to stop feeling scared. Definitely worth a watch.

I’m the same. I need answers about why I am this way. Why I feel more female than male most of the time. Only, for me, once I find the answers I don’t think I can return to my usual life. It’s far bigger than that. I wish I could forget about this or force myself to be normal, whatever normal may be. We all experience dilemmas. Am I in the right job? Am I doing the right thing? Do I really want a tattoo? Should I commit to buying a house? I don’t want to trivialise those dilemmas because when you’re in that situation, they are a big deal. However they all have something in common: they’re milestones in a person’s life. Emphasis on “person”. Right now, I’m no longer sure who I am. Has my whole life been a mistake, built on the wrong foundations?

What’s between our legs is physical. We’re defined as male or female based on that from the moment we’re born. Our genetic code is physical too, further defining whether we’re male or female. Fair enough. But what about our thoughts? What defines how we think? Here’s something to consider: do I like the colour blue because I see the colour and prefer it to all the other colours, or because society says I was born a male and therefore I should? I know it’s not as clear cut as that. Think of it as a simplification of how my world is unravelling right now as I look for answers. Physically, I’m male but I don’t feel it. Why don’t I feel it?? Come to think of it, as I type this, I realise I’ve never been particularly male. From when I was a kid to right now. I’ve always behaved differently and had trouble fitting into what a male should be. So what the fuck am I? AND WHY ME?????????!!!!

And no, I don’t like the colour blue.