The Morning After

Following on from last night, I’ve been doing a lot more thinking. Not continuously. It sort of comes in bits. My mind is full of thoughts zooming around, crashing into each other. Every now and then, something will hit me and I’ll explore it a little, before it’s rudely interrupted by the next thing.

Regardless of what I said last night and how I feel about things, it’s not just about me. It’s about others too and it’s slowly dawning on me that I’m not something my wife can deal with. It’s not something she should have to deal with. The same goes for my friends too.

I’m A Fake

Right now, that’s all I can think about. I’m a total fake. I’ve suddenly gone from less anxious in general to a sudden panic. I think realisation has hit me. People who know me are going to fucking hate me when they read this or find out how I feel. I know they will. By not being honest to them about who/what I am, is that not the same as lying to them? I should have told them I was messed up. That way they can make their own minds up about whether to include me in their lives. But I didn’t. I’ve misled people.