I’ve lived a lot of my life with a plan B. When shit hits the fan and I can’t take any more, I’ll rely on plan B to put an end to all of this. A back up plan. Possibly even a second chance. But for whom? Well, for me it’d be a second chance to find peace and calm. An escape. No more constant torment or inner conflict to ruin each day. The real second chance is for everyone else. I can’t help but feel they would all be better off without me. Nobody needs someone like me. Life is complicated enough without me adding to their troubles. I’d only bring embarrassment and shame too. I force myself to digest the stares, digs and attention that goes with looking the way I do. I would never expect anyone else to have to go through that. I wouldn’t want them to. To feel like such a misfit is draining and frustrating.
I’ve talked about my wife and how it affects her but I wanted to take some time to acknowledge how all this affects friends too. I’ve always been a private person, keeping myself to myself and not sharing much about me. In fact, for whatever reasons, I don’t think there is a single person who knows absolutely everything about me. I guess my wife should be that person but to be honest there’s a lot she won’t be able to deal with or understand. It’s a lonely and isolating existence but it’s become familiar. One of my best friends is somebody I’ve known for a few years now. She’s like family to me. More of a sister to me than my own actual sister. I know that’s a harsh thing to say but it’s true. She has been there for me ever since I’ve known her. She’s genuine and honest. Sometimes I don’t like what she tells me about myself but I know she’s only doing it because she cares. And this is another dilemma for me. In the same way that she looks out for and cares about me, I need to look out for her too. She’s had to endure a lot, whether it’s her parents splitting up or finding her own place in the world. Other than my wife, she’s the person I’d normally speak to about problems I have or if I’m feeling bummed out. I have wanted to say something to her for a while now but I wimped out every time. With each day, week or month that goes by, I feel like I’m leading her on even more. Being dishonest about who I am. She does have a right to know. In fact everyone has a right to know. But not now. Not yet. I’ve only been able to gather my thoughts recently and I’m still coming to terms with myself. You know, I’ve not even said the words yet. Despite all these posts, the calm it brings me, the outlet it gives me, I still haven’t said what I have been thinking. What I’ve been dreading. It’s like saying the words will make it final or mark the point of no return. I know the recent shift has meant my life will never be the same again, but I still want to hang onto this for now and not move on to the next chapter yet. I’m just not ready.
As we live so far apart, it’s difficult to spend time together and just hang out. The few times we do see each other, it’s always been fairly quick. Certainly not enough time to discuss life-changing stuff. Even if we did have time, I doubt I would feel comfortable enough to dump this on her. I wouldn’t want to ruin her day, let alone her life. We do speak to each other almost every day though. Whether it’s sending a random photo or having a quick catch up, we do interact every day. I’m not sure if a message would be the best way to talk about something like this anyway. But then again, I don’t think I’d be brave enough to do it in person. The look of disappointment on her face would destroy me. Maybe I could let her read this some day and let the blog tell my story?
Then again, maybe it’s better if I don’t burden her with this? Like with my wife, I should just keep doing what I’m doing now and focus on everything, everyone but me. I know I can get lost in being busy. I’d say goodbye and go find my second chance but in reality, do I even deserve a second chance?
Video: “Second Chance” by Shinedown (via Shinedown’s YouTube page)