Following on from last night, I’ve been doing a lot more thinking. Not continuously. It sort of comes in bits. My mind is full of thoughts zooming around, crashing into each other. Every now and then, something will hit me and I’ll explore it a little, before it’s rudely interrupted by the next thing.
Regardless of what I said last night and how I feel about things, it’s not just about me. It’s about others too and it’s slowly dawning on me that I’m not something my wife can deal with. It’s not something she should have to deal with. The same goes for my friends too. They all have their own things to sort out. I can’t impose on them nor do I have any right to unbalance their world. I’ve always known this, which is why I started this blog in the first place, when confusion and constant conflict began to cripple my mind. I won’t go into detail about what went on last night, that’s irrelevant. Only thing you need to know is that she isn’t ready and definitely won’t be able to handle any of this. I wouldn’t expect her or anyone else to. Now you can hopefully see why being alone or asleep is the best option for me? When we’re out in public, we get stared at by most people. Well, as I mentioned in a previous post, I get stared at. But what about her? What must they be thinking about her? It’s probably on par with the stuff they think about me. But that’s not fair on her really. I’m the one putting her through all of this. Without me, she would be able to walk down the road without any problem.
It’s not just when we’re out either. We work in an industry that is all about presentation and reputation. What does it say about us if customers come to see us, only to be greeted by some confused looking hybrid mess of a person? One customer’s already proved that I’m not something they can tolerate and need to take photos of me, like I was a circus freak. People who walk by and look in through the window, or are waiting in traffic as we open/close up each day…they all stare. They all have the same disgusted look which quickly turns into laughter. Laughter for the wrong reasons. I’d love to say you can’t discriminate or can’t be discriminated against whilst at work (or anywhere else for that matter) but when you’re self-employed that goes out of the window. Some customers feel they’re entitled to take the piss or disrespect you. They’re the ones paying and therefore they can treat you like filth. When you try and explain you won’t stand for that, they get shitty about it. That’s just how they are, sure. But the fact they go away and blame me for being rude to them by asking them to leave is what annoys me. Of course it’s never their fault. It’s my fault for looking this way. It’s my fault they reacted like that. I’m the cause. I made them behave like that. The result? Our reputation suffers.
People love a good gossip. Probably to make their own boring lives a bit better. But gossip is never about anything positive. It’s always negative. Talking behind somebody’s back, slating choices or being judgemental based on their own opinions. To know you’re the subject of somebody’s gossip is hurtful. Some people are like “I don’t care what people say/think about me” and act like it doesn’t get to them. But does it really? It must do. We’re all human. We all have feelings and need to have our place amongst those around us. I always try to focus on being an individual, not letting horrible words, looks, stares or actions get to me. Be the better person, and rise above it. It’s much easier said than done. Especially when every stare, every dig, every laugh gradually wears you down. I could end all of that just by cutting my hair, not wearing make up and acting more like a typical male. I could. But I can’t. So going back to my wife, I cannot put her through that all because of me. The same goes for anybody that’s connected to me too. Everybody deserves better than I can be.
I’m really, really struggling as I write this. A culmination of what happened last night and the terror of knowing I have to leave behind people whom I love. I’m never going to be 100% male, which means I’ll never be accepted 100% as a human. I’m not proud of myself but I’ve had to break open the emergency…actually, I don’t even know what the fuck I’ve been drinking. It’s got a high percentage, and that’s all I care about. I don’t care that it’s lunchtime. I need this to help me postpone my struggle. I grabbed it on the way to work as I knew it would be shit day. I was right.
Featured image: via Google