I’m not sure why, but I feel that maybe I made a mistake after all. Maybe I’m normal and that this is just a phase? Just a slight bit of turbulence in my life, designed to teach me a lesson or to open my mind? Initially, I noticed my anxiety was reduced, which itself caused me to get anxious. Over the course of a few weeks, this blog has become my sanctuary. When I get really bummed out by bad thoughts or feelings of shame and guilt, just knowing I have this blog gives me balance and some kind of peace. But why is that? I know I shouldn’t question it, but I can’t help it. It feels weird. Almost…wrong? This amount of calm has made me wonder if all this could have been the result of some confused feelings and now that I’ve got it out of my system, I can finally live the life of a male. Or is there a storm on the horizon? I mean, let’s think about it. What if, after all this time, I just needed to be able to say/admit that sometimes I don’t feel male and that instead I feel female? Done. Said it, now I can move on and put it behind me. Fuck. If that’s what it needed, why the hell didn’t I realise it years ago?!
But wait. Is it that simple??? It seems a bit too simple. Thinking back to my time in therapy, I can’t help but wonder if this “calm” is just me trying to find an excuse not to explore things further. Label it as fixed and just leave it at that. My own coping mechanism to stop myself from exploring things that will only lead to hurt and disappointment? Or am I in fact saying this is a coping mechanism to stop myself from finally being free of the conflict that has lived inside me for so long? It’s a lot to take in and it’s certainly stopped me in my tracks. Imagine wanting something for so long. Something that you can’t have…and one day someone comes along and says “you can have it now”. It leaves you wondering what the catch is, whether it’s a joke and whether you even wanted it after all. As humans, we all want things that we can have.
After spending so much of my life with this internal conflict, of course I’m going to welcome some sort of change to it. Even a temporary one. I’ve seen people want to change or learn, who latch onto the slightest difference in their “new life” and cling to it…when in fact they’ve only just begun to change. To leave it at that would just be kidding themselves. So am I just kidding myself now? It’s brought relief, yes. I’ll admit that. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders – but only a slight one. Taking time out to think things through logically, I can see that I’m still me. I still feel the same. Sadly that means I don’t suddenly feel 100% male. If anything, it’s made me realise the opposite. I’ll never be 100% male because I’m not. A bold statement, but that’s how I feel. But here’s that question again: why? Did something happen to my brain? Did it not develop properly when I was an embryo? Did something during my childhood flick a switch that’s resulted in me taking the wrong path? I guess that’s something for me to continue exploring. For now, I just have to be content with getting this far.
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[Square Peg] (Round Hole) 