So tonight was a tough one because my wife and I had another…argument? Not sure if you could call it that to be honest. More of a discussion about stuff that had escalated. It crops up every now and then – usually about work. As a result, I thought this would be a good time to talk about how my recent revelation affects more than just me, especially as not letting people down or hurting people is an important part of who I’ve become. Yeh, I’m married. Let’s get that bit out the way first. Go ahead and laugh about it. Be shocked. Accuse me of lying to them or being a bad person. Whatever. Fact is, I didn’t intend for anything like this to happen. If I could take it all back and be another person, with another brain or another life, I would. Simply so that I wouldn’t inflict hurt on anybody for the way I am in this life.
I met my wife 4 years ago at a gig I was playing. Until I met her, my life was…empty? Yeh I’d probably say that’s the best way to describe it. I had a shell but there was nothing inside. I didn’t have purpose or any kind of positive outlook on the world. Since being with my wife, I’ve felt my life has had meaning. It’s given me a role in life. Now, I know what you’re thinking…the role of being the man…the husband? No. I mean she’s given me a reason to live. That reason is to protect and support her. To help her be the best she can, to be there for her when nobody else will. To love her like she’s the only person in a crowded room. In return, she’s helped me to start to come to terms with who I am. Only she doesn’t know it fully. Having been through so much and spent so much time on my own or living inside my own head, I’ve had trouble letting people in, trusting them or accepting that people can care. This is why I have to tread carefully. This is why I have to make sure that I put her first, above whatever it is I may want. I owe her that and I certainly don’t want to hurt her because of me being such a freak. She never asked for any of this. She just wanted to be happy. I clearly do not make her happy and she won’t be happy when she realises that I’m not the person she married or needs. I’m pretty certain that if she met me as I am right now, today, we definitely wouldn’t have got married. In fact I would never have seen her again. I just want to point out that I never meant to lie or lead her on. If anything, I was busy being a drummer, trying to make the most of life and trying even harder to bury or hide from what ever thoughts or feelings I made have had as a kid. But she loved me for me. Well, the person she thought was me. She gave me a certain strength and that’s what allowed me to finally explore the idea of who I am. She has been quite supportive so far. Whether it’s because she thinks it’s a phase or that she is too polite to acknowledge I’m a mistake, she has stuck with me. A while ago, I did try to explain myself to her but it didn’t come out very well. Back then I just knew it felt natural to not be a male all the time, I never knew why and I certainly didn’t know to what extent it would affect my life.
During the argument, discussion…whatever you want to call it, we talked about how I felt we were going round in circles over the same things, and have been for a while. At the back of my mind, I did think I should probably just end things now and let her be happy with somebody she wants: a male. Or a male with no baggage or issues. I clearly cannot be that person she needs, so I should do the decent thing right? I wish it were that easy or clear cut. If anything, I’d rather just keep pretending or hiding from who (or what) I am in order to keep her happy or to still be allowed in her life. She’s given something that nobody else ever has: she’s allowed me to develop as a person. Sadly it’s also woken up questions from my childhood and I’ve ended up becoming a person she doesn’t need in her life. For me, it’s a huge dilemma. The thought of it right now is killing me. Be honest and tell her, but also lose her…or try to ignore all of this recent shit and just go back to being the person she met? I’m not going to lie, right now the torment of having to decide is as bad as the internal conflict that I’ve grown up experiencing. I just want to die. At least being asleep means I don’t have to feel or carry on being a disappointment to people. People may be sad, but in time they will just get on with the lives they deserve or need. I’m just a bump in the road.
The more I’ve thought about it recently, the more I realise I cannot – and do not want – to lose her. Things have happened that have upset me or rocked our foundations but I’ve done my best to still stay by her side and help her as much as I can. She’s been through a lot and I can see where she is holding herself back or struggling. Since I met her, I’ve wanted nothing but the best for her. To help her understand family issues or to see the world in a different light, rather than live holding herself back or letting people walk all over her. I can help her focus and grow. But then reality hits me. I’ve been such a disappointment to my family that the thought of being a disappointment to her too just destroys me. I honestly do not know what to do other than to just kill myself. If I were single and alone, distancing myself from others, then yeh maybe I would explore who I am further and maybe even allow myself to be who I am. I don’t know. To be honest, I’d still end up just killing myself. In fact, I’d find it much easier to, knowing I wouldn’t be hurting anyone. Fact is, I’m not single, or alone. I have a life where people know me. People have interacted with me. I cannot simply just turn out the lights and leave them. To do so would be incredibly selfish of me. So for those around me, I try to do the noble thing: I carry on with my life as best I can, making sure I don’t hurt them any more. Maybe I’m just faltering now. Maybe in a few weeks time I’ll delete this blog and I could go on pretending none of this ever happened. I can only hope it’s a bad dream. I wish it was that easy. I wish to God that I wasn’t this way and that I can be “normal” or anything else. Anything but this. But sadly I know that’s never going to change – there’s no escaping who I am.
I guess all I can do now is prepare myself for divorce. After all, my wife needs a man. Not a total fucking failure.
Featured image: via Giphy
[Square Peg] (Round Hole) 