Take Your Seats To Watch As I Destroy

First of all (and I know it’s late)…HAPPY NEW YEAR!! What did you get up to? I hope your year is off to a good start? I spent the last few days of 2017 and the first few days of 2018 with my other half visiting my best friend and her family in Newquay. It was the first bit of time out I’ve had in a looooooong time. Much needed after such a whirlwind 2017.

Since 2018 began, I’ve been crazy busy so I’ve not been able to sit down and write anything. I’ve had lots of topics and thoughts flying round in my head so picking one to write about has proved difficult. Do you ever get that? Taking this chance to sit down and think about it all, one thing that really sticks out for me is that this is the start of a new year. 365 days. That’s a long time. A lot can happen. A lot can not happen. As much as I’m a believer in working towards what you want, there are some things that can’t happen…no matter how much you want them to. Why? Because they’re out of your control. This annoys the hell out of me. More than that: it really gets me down. I’m currently waiting for the NHS to get round to me. I’m in a pile of referral letters at my GIC, waiting to be picked. I’m not going to be picked any time soon though. Let’s face it, I knew that when I first went to my doctor. However, I found out a few days ago that the waiting time for my GIC is even longer than they initially published. Now, I’m looking at a wait of approx 2 years. Yes, 2 years. Even then, they’ve said treatment typically begins 18-24 months after the initial appointment. So basically I’m looking at an approximate wait of 3.5 to 4 years before anything really happens. What. The. Fuck???! I totally get that the health service is stretched but seriously? Up to 4 years?? Finding that out really got to me. I just want to be me; to live my life and just get on with things. Sadly I can’t. Not according to this health system.

How have other people around the world found their health system? From what I know, other countries can have a more straight forward and easier to access system. In fact, some countries have a self-certification/declaration system. You make a declaration and off you go. Simple. And why not? I mean, the only person who knows how you feel, is you. Right? Why should you have to plead your case to a specialist? I know there are certain groups that oppose self-certification, claiming it allows for more rape…but let’s face it: do rapists really need a piece of paper to open the door to the female toilets??! Tackle rape properly, not by taking away something designed to ease the suffering of a lot of people.

I’ve actually considered going to other countries to get things done but there are big risks involved with so, for now, the only option I have is private healthcare and to do all I can to speed up the process myself. Yeh, it’s going to cost and it’s totally shit that I have no support from the health service here in the UK…but what other choice do I have? As I mentioned at the start, I’m a firm believer in working towards what you want and making things happen. I’m not going to lie, it’s really fucking difficult trying to get through each day feeling like you’re just a number, waiting to be called. I know there are people who’ll say I’m selfish and that there are people dying who are way more important and deserve health care over me. But do they? We’re all individual, aren’t we? Just because I’m not dying, that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it all the time. Just because my arm isn’t in plaster or I don’t have a physical symptom, that doesn’t mean I’m low priority or not hurting. Fact is, we’re all a priority. Our suffering and pain is relative to our own lives and circumstances. With the UK’s health care system so heavily under-funded and stretched beyond belief, everybody is suffering. That’s the reality.

What really didn’t help was somebody making a flippant comment on social media about a part of my physical appearance. I know people are entitled to say what they think and that it’s up to us to deal with it or ignore them…but when the really shitty comment comes from somebody who should know better, it hits you hard. It wasn’t that they misgendered me or said I looked like a male. No, it was the way they discussed my physical appearance, as if it was something I should be fine with and discuss all the time. Well, no. I’m not fucking fine with it. Did they not think I look in the mirror and criticise my own appearance all the time? Did they not think that somebody who is transitioning may not want to talk about obvious flaws or insecurities? And there lies the problem: they didn’t think. Their comment was the equivalent of “you look great but, like me, you’ll never be a real female…but then again I really don’t want to be, so where does that leave you?” or anything else that’s shitty enough to ruin somebody’s day and allow dysphoria to take over. I tried so hard to forget about what they said but it ate away at me. I’m normally ok with dismissing comments from small-minded people but as I already pointed out: this person should have known better, especially when they’re part of the same community. Since that comment, I have doubted myself so much. Questioning my own appearance, my abilities, whether I’m doing enough, whether I’m making a fool of myself or embarrassing those around me, reminding me that something I hate or try to avoid is, in fact, glaringly obvious to all. Above all else: that I’ll never be seen as anything more than a fake. The thoughts won’t stop. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me but it did and I can’t un-hear those words. Careless comments (from people who ought to know better) can have serious consequences for others. You don’t know what that person has to go through each day, or has been through just to get to where they are. Words can hurt just as much as a knife but leave a longer lasting scar.

It’s been a struggle turning the negative thoughts and attitude around but I’m now trying to pick myself up and not to let it affect me anymore. I don’t want any sympathy for what was said nor do I expect anyone to offer explanations for what they probably meant. It’s been said and it’s made its mark on me. That’s all that matters. Now it’s time to stand up again and carry on. Looking back at last year, I managed to achieve so much despite none of it being planned. I can’t let the recent situation or the lack of health care support get the better of me. I owe it to myself and those around me to find a way forward.

Featured image: by me