I’m not sure why I feel this but there’s an overwhelming sensation inside of me which reassures me that I am. It’s not like I’ve killed anyone or messed up somebody’s wedding party or used people trying to live out some kind of arrogant mid-life crisis. Yet I have this feeling and it’s making me need to punish or stop myself.
Has anyone else ever felt like that? What if it’s true? How do I even go about getting rid of this feeling? Left to my own devices, I know this could end badly. Well, maybe not badly. That depends on how you view it. Let’s just say it could end in a way which others wouldn’t understand or agree with.
Just to clarify: I don’t want anyone to say that I am a good person. That isn’t what this post is about – especially as nothing can penetrate this feeling I have about myself right now. No, I’m writing this in an attempt to analyse why I feel this way. Maybe even fix it? I mean, this isn’t your standard “oh I’ve been such a dick” kinda mood. Far from it. The only way I can describe this restraint is by saying that I feel like people can do so much better without me. That I’m a toxic to people. Maybe this is something that’s been gradually building up? There have been obvious stresses recently, such as the person who made a flippant remark about the way I am and my frustration with the health service…but I’m slowly coming to terms with that. At least, I thought I was. Where has this but come from? This destructive stuff that’s essentially telling me I’m better off sleeping forever. Surely I can’t be the only person to have felt this way. How have others managed to cope?
I’m going to completely honest: it’s such a struggle to see the positives in what I’m doing – even the things that I’ve done. All I do is pick my actions apart and scrutinise them, telling myself I could have done better or done things differently. Have I harmed people? Is that it? Am I making people miserable? Unless they tell me, I’m not going to know. So what if this is my subconscious telling me that I’ve been horrible to people? I’m starting to sound crazy now. Irrational thoughts are slowly becoming quite rational and very persuasive. Right now, I can’t really see past today and I don’t know what I can do. I just know that I want this feeling to end because it’s draining and tiring.
I spend my days trying to do all I can for others. I would hate to see anybody unhappy. I have this need to fix everything and everyone. Probably because I can’t fix myself, for reasons discussed in my previous post. Thing is, I don’t want to be fixed if it means I can keep helping people. It gives me a sense of purpose in a life where I struggle to leave the same daily frustrations behind. I’d hate myself even more if I just suddenly stopped caring about others. Then again, I’m no use to anybody right now, not with this cloud over my head.
That’s all I have to say right now. My head is void of anything else.
Featured image: via Google
Featured video: “All I Want” by A Day To Remember (via A Day To Remember’s YouTube page)
[Square Peg] (Round Hole) 
We have come to live in the world where there’s a group of people that want to tell everyone how to live how to be how to behave how to act. Unfortunately a lot of what they say it’s cruel and mean. You can never please them and you shouldn’t try. Inherently everything you do is either good or evil if it hurts somebody truly it’s evil and if it helps them it’s this applies to yourself also it’s good. since we want to live a good life we want to do things with our lives that do not hurt someone. This is of course impossible. Because so many people perceive that they are being hurt when in reality you have done nothing. They are only hurt because you have chosen to live your life differently then what they would like you to do. Now, if you want to go along with this or not I don’t know. life is a gift but the gift does not come from another person it comes from God. He created you and he wants you to live your life the best way you can. A good way to put yourself on the right track is removed yourself from those that perceive they are being hurt. You don’t need them in your life. Be with the people that are just happy to have you in there life. People that don’t expect you to be different than you are and you offer the same type of friendship. No easy answer I dealt with it for years. I kept trying to please people when I even knew the doing that was impossible. Unfortunately I couldn’t release myself from the situation until they died. Hopefully you’ll find a better alternative. There are so many people in the world and there’s a bunch that want the best for you just because they met you and liked you. When you find these people they are a gift. They will not do anything to harm you or hurt you they will only love you. And the greatest good is to love them back. Good luck
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Your post stirred some memories, I guess I’ve had similar thoughts in the past. Sadly, ou don’t just magically get rid of feelings like these. You process them and slowly convert them into something else. A rewiring of sorts to channel energy towards more worthwhile causes. Quick fix solutions usually don’t have lasting effects from my experience.
You seem like a pleaser and that’s laudable but there’s nothing wrong with a healthy dose of selfishness. Thanks for writing with candour.
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Thank you Paolo, you’re totally right: we never get rid of those feelings, just learn to deal with them and channel them into something positive and more constructive 🙂
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