I’m not sure why I feel this but there’s an overwhelming sensation inside of me which reassures me that I am. It’s not like I’ve killed anyone or messed up somebody’s wedding party or used people trying to live out some kind of arrogant mid-life crisis. Yet I have this feeling and it’s making me need to punish or stop myself.
Has anyone else ever felt like that? What if it’s true? How do I even go about getting rid of this feeling? Left to my own devices, I know this could end badly. Well, maybe not badly. That depends on how you view it. Let’s just say it could end in a way which others wouldn’t understand or agree with.
Just to clarify: I don’t want anyone to say that I am a good person. That isn’t what this post is about – especially as nothing can penetrate this feeling I have about myself right now. No, I’m writing this in an attempt to analyse why I feel this way. Maybe even fix it? I mean, this isn’t your standard “oh I’ve been such a dick” kinda mood. Far from it. The only way I can describe this restraint is by saying that I feel like people can do so much better without me. That I’m a toxic to people. Maybe this is something that’s been gradually building up? There have been obvious stresses recently, such as the person who made a flippant remark about the way I am and my frustration with the health service…but I’m slowly coming to terms with that. At least, I thought I was. Where has this but come from? This destructive stuff that’s essentially telling me I’m better off sleeping forever. Surely I can’t be the only person to have felt this way. How have others managed to cope?
I’m going to completely honest: it’s such a struggle to see the positives in what I’m doing – even the things that I’ve done. All I do is pick my actions apart and scrutinise them, telling myself I could have done better or done things differently. Have I harmed people? Is that it? Am I making people miserable? Unless they tell me, I’m not going to know. So what if this is my subconscious telling me that I’ve been horrible to people? I’m starting to sound crazy now. Irrational thoughts are slowly becoming quite rational and very persuasive. Right now, I can’t really see past today and I don’t know what I can do. I just know that I want this feeling to end because it’s draining and tiring.
I spend my days trying to do all I can for others. I would hate to see anybody unhappy. I have this need to fix everything and everyone. Probably because I can’t fix myself, for reasons discussed in my previous post. Thing is, I don’t want to be fixed if it means I can keep helping people. It gives me a sense of purpose in a life where I struggle to leave the same daily frustrations behind. I’d hate myself even more if I just suddenly stopped caring about others. Then again, I’m no use to anybody right now, not with this cloud over my head.
That’s all I have to say right now. My head is void of anything else.