The Biggest Step, Ever

Bowling Ramp

I wanted to write this yesterday but I couldn’t. My emotions were all over the place and my nerves were shredded. After months of thinking and a lifetime of struggling, I finally did something about it yesterday: I went to my doctor and asked to be referred to a Gender Identity Clinic (GIC).

Despite knowing it’s what I wanted and what I needed to do, I was so nervous. Sitting in the waiting area felt like a lifetime. I was physically shaking and my heart was pounding. According to my watch, my heart rate hit 92 bpm whilst I was sat there. Not knowing when I was going to be called in didn’t help. They were running behind at the surgery so I couldn’t go off my appointment time. Each time somebody came out, I listened out for my name. I can honestly say this was the most nervous I’ve ever been. I’ve never felt this bad – not even before playing on stage to a sold out venue full of people I don’t know. This was intense – the rest of my life was about to happen, based on the outcome of the next 15 minutes. When I was finally called in, I took a deep breath and remembered the support I had…then just went for it. Inside the doctor’s room, I had to calm myself down before I could even speak. When I did, I just got straight to the point and said I needed to be referred to a gender clinic. I was really surprised at how calm and understanding my doctor was. We discussed my history as well as options for me going forwards. She was the first complete stranger that I openly told. It felt such a relief. As I’ve only just registered at this surgery, they’re still waiting for my medical file from my previous doctor and for me to do a basic medical with the surgery’s nurse to complete my registration. I made this appointment even though I wasn’t fully registered yet as I couldn’t wait any longer. My medical is in 3 weeks’ time and once that’s done, my doctor will send off the referral. Then, it’s a case of waiting for the GIC to contact me.

Though my other half was with me, I went in to speak to the doctor on my own. She didn’t really know why I was seeing a doctor and has never actually asked me since I made the appointment. She might have guessed or she might be wondering…but unless she communicates, there’s only so much I can do or conclude. Even if she did know, this is something I had to do on my own. Having support is one thing but I’m the one who has to take the step. I’m so glad I did. Just that brief moment made me feel more of a person. I know depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts will still happen but hopefully with yesterday’s positive step, I can focus on actually having a future. Both my best friend and Sinead messaged me afterwards to see how I got on. I honestly could not have gone through with the appointment without them. In a way, I couldn’t have done it without my other half too. Though she doesn’t seem to want any involvement, just remembering how happy she makes me was enough. Whatever happens from now on between us, I need to remember to focus on the positives and not dwell on the negatives. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how well I cope with that.

Cinderella
Something Sinead sent me last night. I’m not going to lie, it did make me cry a bit – but they were happy tears, for once.

Thinking back to yesterday, it all seems a blur. It’s like playing a big or important gig. The build up is full of excitement and nerves but, as soon as you hit the stage, you have a job to do so you get on with it. Before you realise, it’s over – just like that. You don’t really get the chance to fully take in what’s happening. Afterwards you’re left with a feeling of awe. That’s the only way I can explain how yesterday felt. It was perhaps one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do, but I knew it was the right thing to do. And I did it. I actually did it. Something for myself, based on what I want. Not what anybody else wanted or what was best for other people. This is for me. This a chance to exist properly.

Featured image: via Google
Featured video: “Seize The Day” by Avenged Sevenfold (via Avenged Sevenfold’s YouTube page)

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2 thoughts on “The Biggest Step, Ever

  1. […] Despite everything that happened last week, I think I’m slowly regaining control of myself and my emotions. Rebuilding my foundations and doing all I can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I think I will definitely be seeing my doctor again to see if there’s anything else they can do. I’ll even accept antidepressants or valium, if it’ll help me to not let things get on top of me. I have made some positive steps though – including attending a consultation for laser hair removal. Yeh, it’s a small step but it’s one in the right direction. More importantly, it’s something to keep me going – especially as nobody else is really going to help me (from a medical or professional sense) until my GIC referral appointment comes through. I have a few other things planned and although I acknowledge the cost will mount up, these are things I need to do. That said, the most positive step didn’t come from me. It came from my best friend when she messaged me to say “I’ve changed your name to Eva on everything now” A small gesture that, for me, was the biggest step forward since I first went to see my doctor. […]

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