Be The Change You Wish To See

Note To Mom

Following my pervious post, last week didn’t get any better. In fact, it started off in the worst possible way: I ended up having a complete meltdown. To be fair, with everything that has been going on, I was due one anyway…I just didn’t think it’d happen just yet or in the way that it did. I spent the rest of last week trying to sort my head and my leg out.

Frustration played a large part in what happened. Frustrated that there’s still something missing. I think it’s knowledge or guidance? When you’re young and growing up, you have parents to teach or guide you. You have friends at school who go through it with too, as you grow up together. I have people who support me, yes, but I’m the one that has to go through the physical/mental challenges and changes. They can support me, but they can’t guide me or offer anything from experience. Not in a transgender way, that is. I’m essentially growing up again but without guidance. I don’t know if what I’m feeling or going through at this stage is normal. I don’t know what I should be doing or if there’s anything I can be doing to help myself cope or to make more changes. All I do know is that since admitting who I am, it’s consumed me. It’s been hidden for so long that it now wants a chance. The real me wants to be free and it wants that sooner rather than later. I wonder if other transgender people feel or have felt the same way?

During my meltdown, I did end up redecorating my leg with a knife. Thinking back, I’m not proud of it…but I have to admit that it happened. I can’t pretend it didn’t. At that moment I took the knife, all I could think of was distracting myself from the mental pain by introducing some physical pain. At the same time, it was like I was also needed to prove that physical pain is nothing. That it was mind over matter, and if I could handle that then I should be able to handle my mental state. But I couldn’t, so it then quickly became some kind of punishment for not being in control. I’m sure other people who self harm have their own reasons or thought processes, but this was mine. My other half still doesn’t know that I carved my leg up. It’s best that she doesn’t. She’ll be upset and I don’t want to be the cause of that.

Despite everything that happened last week, I think I’m slowly regaining control of myself and my emotions. Rebuilding my foundations and doing all I can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I think I will definitely be seeing my doctor again to see if there’s anything else they can do. I’ll even accept antidepressants or valium, if it’ll help me to not let things get on top of me. I have made some positive steps though – including attending a consultation for laser hair removal. Yeh, it’s a small step but it’s one in the right direction. More importantly, it’s something to keep me going – especially as nobody else is really going to help me (from a medical or professional sense) until my GIC referral appointment comes through. I have a few other things planned and although I acknowledge the cost will mount up, these are things I need to do. That said, the most positive step didn’t come from me. It came from my best friend when she messaged me to say “I’ve changed your name to Eva on everything now” A small gesture that, for me, was the biggest step forward since I first went to see my doctor.


Featured image: by me

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