Cause & Effect

Rocket Turtle

Regardless of what’s happened recently and what will happen, I feel I need to write this particular post about my other half. Even more so as I’ve been struggling so much over the last couple of days. Yeh, she isn’t interested in what’s going on but I don’t blame her. It’s tough on her too and she’s affected as much as I am. I am beginning to see why relationships can deteriorate, or even die out, as a result of this.

The other day, I was told this isn’t my fault and that I didn’t ask for this. That is very true for those around me too, especially my other wife: this is not what she signed up for.

She is the kindest, most loving and genuine person I know. And I’m not just saying that. I thought that from the very first moment I met her at one of my gigs a few years ago. I trusted her straight away – which for me was a HUGE thing, given my trust issues. There and then, I knew she was the one for me and that she would change my life. She has. She has allowed me to be the person I am today. By that I don’t mean what’s going on with my gender. I mean that she has helped me to be a better person. At least, I’d like to think that I’m a better person these days. Until I was with her, I was never able to be myself. I was nobody. She has given me a kind of purpose and a reason to work for something. That’s why it hurts so much right now. I so wish things were different, but it’s not up to me at all. Nobody is to blame. Nobody could have seen this happening. Yeh, I may have known deep down, but after denying and suppressing it for so many years, I honestly thought I could spend the rest of my life that way.

As much as I’ve done all I can to help her to be strong and to focus on what she wants in life, rather than being treated like a door mat by people around her etc, she has shown me that I have a place in the world. Something nobody has ever shown me. I don’t think there’s any specific reason as to why this is all happening now. It just is. It’s weird to think that last September, I very nearly didn’t do the tour supporting The Birthday Massacre. I won’t explain just yet…let’s just say I found out a few things about the band I was drumming for. Things that were wrong. Things that almost made me pull out from the tour at the last minute because I didn’t agree with them. But I didn’t quit. I did the professional thing and saw it through. People were counting on us. Counting on me. It’s strange when I think back to it because despite the feelings I had then, I was supposed to go. If I never did the tour, I would never have met Kai from Esprit D’Air. That means I would never have gone to see them supporting Courtesans back in April…which means I would never have met Sinead or the rest of Courtesans. Given how much Sinead and their music has helped me through this, it’s like it all fell into place and happened when it did, especially along with the support of my best friend. But before all that, it comes down to my other half and how she made me feel about life. That’s the starting point. The twat who took a photo of me at work was just the catalyst. Life is like one big chain reaction, from the moment we’re born. It could be a big plan for us all, or it could be coincidence. Who knows. What I do know is that this has all happened.

I love my other half. Without a doubt. However what’s really sinking in is that no matter how much I love her, I cannot make her be part of a situation she doesn’t want any part of. If anything, I love her too much to make her have to go through with this. She needs to be happy. Her silence on the matter clearly tells me this does not make her happy. It destroys me not being able to talk to her about it or ask for help, but that’s for me to deal with – not to force upon her. I’ve even had to hide how down I’ve been, as I don’t want to upset her. It’s times like these when I can’t help but wonder if a fresh start is the best approach.

Featured image: via Google
Featured video: “The Reason” by Hoobastank (via Hoobastank’s Youtube page)

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