It’s been a really difficult few days, full of mental ups and downs. One minute I’m really down about everything and can’t see any point in doing anything, the next minute I have this sudden urge to not give a shit and just tell the world. For somebody that was so embarrassed and ashamed of feeling this way, it’s a huge development for me. So what’s happened? To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure. I think it’s a number of things catching up with me.
I know that my perspective has been gradually shifting over the past few weeks. It wasn’t something I spotted at first, but reading over previous posts has made me realise. It’s not about finding who I am any more, it’s about how I can exist. And yeh, I do wonder if there’s any point in doing anything about it. It’s a major thing to happen at this point in life. There’s so much at stake, I can’t help thinking that way. It’s natural to worry, right? However, on the other hand, there’s quite an important detail: I’ve spent my life not being who I am and look what it did to my mental health. I can honestly say a lot of my life has been such a struggle because of it. As much as I think there’s no point doing anything, I can’t keep living this way…and I think that’s where some of the motivation comes from: the frustration of not doing anything. Does that make sense? It does to me. I just can’t really explain it. There’s a difference between what I want in life and what can have. Right now it’s a tangled mess in my head. I need to focus on what I want but it’s not so straight forward when things are intertwined or tangled. How do you unravel a life and take out certain parts? Do I even need to take out certain parts?? Will those parts just separate themselves??? I think that’s when I get sudden moments where I just want to rip things apart. Where I just think “fuck it, I don’t care who knows, I’m me” so I don’t have to waste any more time figuring things out. If only it were that simple.
Things at home are still awkward. The situation is still completely ignored and I’m left wondering what the fuck I should do. It’s clear things aren’t really going to improve if the last few weeks are anything to go by. With each day that passes, I’m even more certain that things won’t end well. When I first told my wife, things seemed ok. Not amazing, but ok…a step in the right direction, at least. Or so I thought. With nothing else said and the matter just avoided, I can’t help but feel like I’m being ignored. Yes, I know I have no right to make her talk about it (which is why I haven’t brought it up at all) but at the same time where does that leave me? Who can I talk to about it? The cat??! One thing I was taught in therapy was that it’s ok to put yourself first sometimes. Took me a while to accept that. It’s not always selfish, especially when your own life or happiness are at stake. Besides, if she has been talking to our mutual friends, then she has her own support. It sucks that I’m not involved in those conversations and I can’t support her but whatever she needs to do for herself, I guess. She’s entitled to that. Me? I’m on my own. I feel bad talking to my best friend about it. She has stuff going on and I don’t want to bother her all the time – especially when I should be talking to my wife. For now, I just sit on my own feeling isolated a lot of the time. What if being on my own is the best thing to do for both of us? It’s practically like that right now, so nothing new there. Maybe loneliness and the feeling of being isolated are pushing me to tell the world? Almost like a part of me needs to find a situation where I’m not getting in the way of others, where I can fit in without bringing people down or I’m not left feeling guilty. Maybe I do want to let people in. Maybe I want to share this. Even if I did tell people, would it bring me any further comfort? I’m not sure. Probably not. I’m just waffling now.
This is so difficult.
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