Trans Panda

As some of you may know, I absolutely love pandas. I mean, what’s not to love about those bamboo-loving, forward-rolling little babes? They’re an icon. A symbol of hope and determination to just be themselves, regardless of what the world thinks they should do. They’re survivors too. Until recently they were critically endangered. Yeh, human intervention (such as dedicated sanctuaries and breeding programmes) have helped…but pandas still do things their way. Like me, pandas love to sleep too. Haha.

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“I’m A Horrible Human Being”

I’m not sure why I feel this but there’s an overwhelming sensation inside of me which reassures me that I am. It’s not like I’ve killed anyone or messed up somebody’s wedding party or used people trying to live out some kind of arrogant mid-life crisis. Yet I have this feeling and it’s making me need to punish or stop myself.

The Good, The Bad & The Really Ugly Days

Coming out as transgender doesn’t magically fix or make the gender dysphoria go away. It just…eases it. Slightly. It eases the pressure, allowing for a bit of breathing space so I can focus on my next move in this continuous battle. Most days are good, which makes things easier to manage. Some days are bad. Today was a really fucking bad day.

The End Of A Difficult Week

So the week finished with mixed feelings. At times I was ok, but I was mainly drowning. I’m at the point where I’m seriously considering going back to the doctor’s before anything crazy happens and I do something stupid. I’ve been trying to figure out what is that’s causing this, hoping it’ll give me a clue as to how I can fix myself. But in all honesty, I don’t really know. Each day gives me a new suggestion for why I feel like this – but nothing certain.

Misery Never Goes Out Of Style

So far this week, I’ve been really struggling again. My moods have been erratic and I’ve become so irritable. I’m spending every waking moment trying to stay positive and motivated but, quite honestly, I’m losing the energy to keep going. Fighting depression is difficult. Really fucking difficult. No matter what I do to snap myself out of it, I just sink deeper.