That’s Not My Name

Transitioning is a fresh start. A chance to start down the correct path towards the destination of being your true self. As refreshing and relieving as that can be after years of hiding and/or denial, it’s not the thing that makes it all worthwhile. That honour belongs to others. It’s little things like those around you using the correct pronoun or name which really offers you something that’s always been a stranger: acceptance. You’re finally being accepted as the real you. Sadly, as much as other people can offer that, they can also take it away by refusing to use the correct pronoun or name – essentially denying you your identity.

It’s Ok To Not Be Ok. Ok?

After quite a few meltdowns in a very short space of time, I decided I needed to get my arse to my doctor before things got out of hand. Well, even more out of hand than they already were. At first I thought I could manage it on my own. That I had the experience and knowledge to tackle the growing anxiety and depression which dominated every single waking moment of the last few weeks. Turns out I was very, very wrong.

Trans Panda

As some of you may know, I absolutely love pandas. I mean, what’s not to love about those bamboo-loving, forward-rolling little babes? They’re an icon. A symbol of hope and determination to just be themselves, regardless of what the world thinks they should do. They’re survivors too. Until recently they were critically endangered. Yeh, human intervention (such as dedicated sanctuaries and breeding programmes) have helped…but pandas still do things their way. Like me, pandas love to sleep too. Haha.

“I’m A Horrible Human Being”

I’m not sure why I feel this but there’s an overwhelming sensation inside of me which reassures me that I am. It’s not like I’ve killed anyone or messed up somebody’s wedding party or used people trying to live out some kind of arrogant mid-life crisis. Yet I have this feeling and it’s making me need to punish or stop myself.

The Good, The Bad & The Really Ugly Days

Coming out as transgender doesn’t magically fix or make the gender dysphoria go away. It just…eases it. Slightly. It eases the pressure, allowing for a bit of breathing space so I can focus on my next move in this continuous battle. Most days are good, which makes things easier to manage. Some days are bad. Today was a really fucking bad day.