I Am Leaflet

Today marks 8 weeks since my facial surgery. 8 WEEKS!!!! Time flies when your face is kind of numb!! Speaking of time…did you know there are only 3 months left of this decade?! 😳 Anyhoo, back to this post which is just a quick update. My face is healing well. Really well. A lot of people at work cannot believe it’s only been 8 weeks, or that I even had surgery at all.

⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ WARNING ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️
This post contains photos of my forehead scar. It’s nothing major. In fact, I’ve seen Halloween make up scarier than my scar…but I thought I’d better warn you anyway

I did suffer loss of hair around where the incision was but that’s starting to grow back now. Hopefully it’ll continue to do so!! I’m getting more sensation in my forehead, although I still keep hitting my head on stuff as I have no sensation on my scalp. There have been times when I’m talking to somebody at work and suddenly realised that I’ve been able to move my eyebrows. Try maintaining a conversation with a complete stranger whilst your internal conversation with yourself is like “ooooh yey, we just moved our eyebrows…let’s do it again!!” Doing make up has become easier too. As each day goes by and I can feel the pressure of the brush against my skin. Always a bonus. The little grips which were anchored into my skull to hold the skin are now visible as little bumps on my forehead. They look like little horns that are ready to poke through. Hey, at least I look like I’m making an effort for Halloween, right?! I’m not going to lie, it’s quite exciting rediscovering your own face – especially after years of hating it.

If more hair could grow back, that would be fantastic!!

The fat that was transferred into my cheeks is settling well too. I prefer how they were soon after I had the surgery though. As I mentioned in a previous post, one of the risks is that some of the fat cells will die from not being able to find a blood supply during the healing process. It was a risk I was willing to take. Worth remembering that my cheeks are still healing though, much like my forehead is. In fact, with facial surgery, the end results can take quite a few months, which is why I’m going to give it some more time before deciding on whether to have a top up on my cheeks. I’m due another review in a couple of months, so I’ll let future Eva figure it out then. For now, Present Eva is just going to roll with it – something I struggled with doing before my surgery gave my overall transition a pep talk about being patient. Now, I’m not saying that the fat transfer procedure was a bad thing or a disappointment at all, I’m just letting you know where I’m at right now, 8 weeks on. It’s nobody’s fault if fat cells die out – it’s just one of those things. When I decided to document my transition, I did so with the intention of baring all and telling it like it is. The good and the bad. If anything, I’m writing this so anyone considering the procedure doesn’t feel bummed out if they don’t get the desired results straight away. Like transition itself, it takes time. Just the fact that we’re doing something about our own situation is plenty. Besides, I trust the team at London Transgender Clinic completely and know that everything they do is to the highest standard. It’s so great to have a team that understands and is on the wavelength of the transgender community. Plus, they know how to put together a banging operating theatre playlist too. If you’ve seen the footage of my surgery, then you’ll know what I mean!!

Those that follow me on Instagram will know that since surgery I’ve had a frustrating time with people staring at me when I was out and about. More people were staring at me than before I had my surgery, which made things even more frustrating. Not like when you’re staring at the contents of your fridge, trying to work out what you can cobble together for dinner, we’re talking full on stares whilst their brains tried to figure out what they were looking at. If they were accompanied by anyone, there’d often be a nudge as well…whether it’s to get help with what they’re seeing, or to share the news. I knew they weren’t looks of approval. The sniggers, laughs and looks of disgust told me so. Despite this, I’ve tried not to let it get to me. I’m on my way forward. I owe these people nothing. If anything, I’ve raised awareness just by raising their eyebrow. Yeh they’ll tell whoever is with them, they may even recount the experience and laugh at me the next time they’re in the pub or when they hear of trans-related topics. Whatever the situation and however they talk about me in their story, they will talk. I don’t need to give somebody a leaflet to tell them that transgender people exist and that we live amongst them. I am leaflet.

Perhaps the greatest change since my surgery has been an internal one. I’m more confident about my own face, I feel more at peace and my mental state is much calmer. It took something like physical surgery to give me that confidence but I guess that just shows how futile it is when people tell you to just appreciate your face/body or that there’s nothing wrong with it etc. You need to find your own solution to find your own acceptance. Thousands of people telling you that you look “amazing” with no affect whatsoever but just one person saying you’re ugly or a failure will stick with you forever. Especially if that one person is you. Like anyone else, I do find myself comparing myself to others. I can’t help it. It’s a natural thing to do, especially growing up in a society that hits you every day with rules in how to live, how to behave, what to wear, what to eat etc. Personally I think being transgender makes me more aware of how I fit into the world around me. It’s made me feel like absolute shit sometimes but it’s also helped me to see the bigger picture. Now, when I catch myself comparing me to other people or being jealous of how somebody looks, I just remind myself that we’re all on different paths designed to take us on our own individual journeys. My journey involved surgery whilst yours might not. As a wise friend of mine told me earlier this year: be your own kind of beautiful.

Featured image: via Google