Happy New Year!! A little late, since the start of 2019 was a few days ago…but better late than never, right? I hope you all enjoyed the festive period, whatever you did. I know a lot of people are glad to see the back of 2018. For me personally, it was a bit weird. So much happened but, at the same time, not very much happened.
I finished last year being ill. In fact I’d been ill since the end of September, and it totally wiped me out. Despite numerous trips to my doctor and different types of medicine and antibiotics, I just found myself getting worse, ending up with pneumonia. As I type, I’m getting back on track. Still coughing and the right side of my chest still hurts from all the coughing but I’m glad that I’m not anywhere near as bad as I was. Being ill and not being able to do much was a real frustration, which gave me a lot of time to reflect on all that happened in 2018.
Let’s rewind to the start of 2018. I began the year nervous, filled with uncertainty. As I continued waiting for my name to slowly crawl to the top of the list at my chosen GIC, gone private to help speed things up. – after all, I’m getting on a bit now. I had my first assessment towards the end of January and that blew my mind. Don’t get me wrong, it was exciting and a relief to get things moving but it gave me a lot to think about. From there, I had more assessments, resulting in a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria and starting HRT. And that’s where things just seemed to…stop. Technically they didn’t stop as I was talking oestrogen and I’d started vocal therapy sessions. But all those events were the climax to 2017’s suicide attempts, dependence on alcohol and painkillers, depression and various other ups and downs. Now it’s as if the seas have all calmed. Maybe I’m too used to things going wrong in my life? Maybe I just don’t know how to enjoy this period of peace? I don’t know what it was. I feel restless, like I should been doing more – but not knowing what. I guess it’s possible to still be lost in the middle of the calm sea.
I have a few aims for this year, such as getting fit again and getting back into music. Beyond that, I’m unsure. I know the stresses of work won’t ever change. A part of me even thought about a change in career but what would I do? The reality is that trans people find it very tough to get jobs thanks to the lingering stigma. I know a few people who have spent month applying but never get past interview stage. Some even got questioned about their transition and intentions during the interview. Like that makes any fucking difference?
So. I’ll just have to be patient and see what 2019 brings.
Image: via Google