Puberty v2.0

Helloooooo, how’s it going? I’m alive!!! Just about. I know it’s been a while since my last post. For those of you that follow me on Instagram, you’ll know I’ve had some news recently. For those that didn’t know…you do now!! It’s been a bit of a whirlwind, so I’ll do my best to get things up to date.

After my last post, I saw Dr Stuart Lorimer in London. I was pretty nervous (although to this day I’m still not 100% sure why) but knew that it was the way forward. Dr Lorimer is a big name in the world of gender transition and therefore he had the power open up doors for me. As well as working at Charing Cross (often referred to as the main GIC in England) he also heads up Gendercare – a network of gender specialists who take on patients privately, in addition to their work with the NHS. This meant not having to wait years on a waiting list before any treatment began. I suppose some of the nerves came from the feeling of having to justify myself to someone? I’ve spent so much of my life trying to justify things to myself and to those around me that having to do it again seemed…tedious? But he was a specialist. He’s seen/heard it all before. So why the anxiety??! Within minutes of meeting Dr Lorimer, all those feelings disappeared. Phew. I was talking to somebody who totally understood me and everything I’d gone through. Following a long chat about my history and earliest memories, as well things I’d done since coming out, I was given my official diagnosis. Yup, I officially had gender dysphoria!! Not that I needed a diagnosis or any kind of label to know who I was, or anything. I knew…and I’ve always known who the real me was. But as I mentioned already, it opened up doors for me. Having an official diagnosis now meant I could begin treatment. It was such a relief. Almost immediately I felt a huge weight had been lifted.

Dr Lorimer’s written report was sent to me, and to my doctor, which allowed me to secure an appointment with Dr Jonny Coxon, an endocrinologist based in Brighton. This was the next step. In fact, one of the biggest steps: hormone treatment (HRT). After going through my medical history and what to expect, I was given the go ahead and recommendation for HRT. Finally, things were coming together. To be perfectly honest, I never thought I’d be alive to see this day, let alone experience it. At no point did I feel hesitant or nervous about this. Nuh-uh. This felt right. A huge step forward in the battle against dysphoria and to help my body finally match my brain. I was ready for puberty v2.0.

I’ve been on oestrogen for about 3 weeks now. 1 tablet a day for the rest of my life. There aren’t any physical changes, so don’t get your hopes up. It usually takes 3-6 months for noticeable effects…although it can vary from person to person. You don’t grow boobs overnight. The idea is to mimic natural puberty.  Starting on a small dose to trigger puberty v2.0 and then gradually increasing the dosage – as the body would do if it naturally produced oestrogen. At the same time, testosterone (isn’t that a weird word? why the need for “st” to be in there twice??!) is decreased. In some cases, oestrogen alone isn’t enough to reduce testosterone levels and so a testosterone blocker is also used. Only time will tell if I’ll need this too.

Despite all the good news, one thing I realised is that although this part of my life is finally happening, it doesn’t automatically fix other parts of my life. In fact, soon after starting oestrogen, I was still happy to check out early. Or tried to, at least. Isn’t it weird how a person can finally have everything they want yet still be perfectly happy to end their own life? Is it that we’re never happy, or that we’re so mentally drained from previous battles that we struggle to keep our guard up, allowing unwanted thoughts to creep in? Whatever the reason, having achieved so much in such a short space of time meant nothing. I remember standing in the kitchen trying to decide the best to end things. Even though I tried to reason with myself or look at things logically, I knew that the feeling to go to sleep outweighed everything. Something still wasn’t right.

Featured image: by me