As much as people say I’m brave for stepping out and being who I am, I don’t feel it. I don’t feel brave, nor do I feel very confident. Do I feel some kind of peace? Yeh. Do I feel relieved at not having to live in denial? Definitely. Having to hide who you are purely because of other people around you, or because of how society views you is fucking shit. I know this through experience. But what about the people that don’t or never transition?
Recently, somebody told me about how she’d love to transition but couldn’t because of her job. In some countries, teachers are at the mercy of the school board, made up of parents. Even for those that have come out, small-minded parents (which there are many of) can make or break a career. So instead, this person is having to hide. A person. A fellow human. Having to live how others want or expect her to live if she wants to keep a job. This really upset me. Why are they allowed such power? Let’s face it, if parents were so knowledgeable or amazing, why aren’t they teaching their kids themselves? Why aren’t they helping to save the world’s marine life or solved global warming? Maybe they’re the sort of people who believe global warming is a made up thing too?? This world is changing. Every. Single. Day. It’s changing…and there’s fuck all we can do about it. Our time on this rock is short. We contribute to its future but we don’t own it. So whatever happens, get over it. Those that can’t get over it should simply ignore it – especially if it’s not affecting them directly. They’re worried about a transgender teacher screwing up their kid’s brain or future? Maybe they should take a look at their own prehistoric attitude, and decide if they’re truly giving their kids the correct start in life?
Don’t get me wrong, transitioning isn’t an easy process. Nuh-uh. There are a lot of sacrifices and it’s not an easy journey. In fact, for the past few weeks the dysphoria has really kicked my ass. That said, if somebody has the chance to be themselves, I truly encourage them to do so. Life’s too short. Life sucks when you can’t be yourself. Even when you can be yourself life sucks because others don’t always accept or tolerate it. So, if life sucks anyway, you may as well be happy in yourself, right? Eva Logic: you saw it here first. Seriously, keeping a lid on such strong feelings is so dangerous. Following multiple suicide attempts, self harming episodes and various moments of doing really stupid things, I know how difficult it is to contain something that’s so powerful and natural. It turns you into a ticking time-bomb. Let’s be honest, gender dysphoria features one of the highest suicide rates because of fear, because of others around us, because of ignorance. It’s a struggle. To the people that support us or don’t even care that we’re transgender, thank you.
Looking back at my own journey so far, coming out is and transitioning is the easy compared to trying to live in denial or keep a lid on things. Well, I think so. I’m not saying I have it easy now, or that anybody else in my position has it easy. Not at all. I’m just weighing but both sides: choosing to be free or choosing to remain imprisoned for whatever reason. Yeh, there are other trials to face and new challenges to conquer once you have told the world who you really are…but you’ve at least made peace with yourself and made a HUGE step towards being yourself. Now imagine not doing that. Imagine wanting that but not being able to have it. Not only that, but accepting that you can’t have it. Choosing the lives of others or being able to provide for your families over your own happiness. Choosing to focus your energy on containing that ticking time-bomb in order to protect those around you. I don’t think I could ever go back to being in denial or pretending. That’s why I say well done to anybody who not only manages to keep a lid on it but willingly chooses to do so. That’s real strength and true bravery.
I have nothing but total respect, love and understanding for those that stay in the shadows because they have to. Even more so on International Transgender Day of Visibility. Just because they’re in the shadows, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Just because they aren’t able to post a photo of themselves on Instagram, it doesn’t mean they lack courage. Just because they can’t tell the world they are male or female, that doesn’t make them any less so. They are still male or female, whichever they choose to identify as, and they still matter. So this post goes out to them. I know you’re there, I see you and I know what you are going through. I’m beside you and I think you’re beautiful, even if the rest of the world can’t see or know about you.
This is a song that a friend and I once covered at a charity event but I want to dedicate it to anybody that’s ever suffered or are finding their feet after being knocked down. To anybody who had the chance to come out and also to those who can’t. No matter what happens, no matter what we go through and no matter what path we choose, we stand together – no just on Transgender Day of Visibility, but every day.
Featured image: via Google
Featured video: “Here’s To Us” by Halestorm (via Halestorm’s YouTube channel)
2 thoughts on “Here’s To You”
I understand. I’d be really happy if nobody ever said I was Brave again. There is nothing Brave about just being who I am.
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I agree. Bravery comes from those who chose not to be themselves because of others.