The Good, The Bad & The Really Ugly Days

Coming out as transgender doesn’t magically fix or make the gender dysphoria go away. It just…eases it. Slightly. It eases the pressure, allowing for a bit of breathing space so I can focus on my next move in this continuous battle. Most days are good, which makes things easier to manage. Some days are bad. Today was a really fucking bad day. I’ve lost all motivation and to be perfectly honest, I feel like giving up completely. When I look at the world today, everything is bland and grey. I’m struggling to find any glimpse of colour or depth. Things don’t feel or taste the same and I can’t shake myself out of this.

Earlier, I didn’t even care if I died. Sorry to be so blunt but I’m just being honest about how I felt. To me, that was another way to fix this. A way that didn’t involve stupidly long waiting lists on the NHS for a Gender Identity Clinic appointment, a way that didn’t involve people laughing or staring at me. A way that didn’t leave me feeling like this. In limbo. I know it’s not *the* way to solve things. It’s just one way to cope. You see, to most of the outside world it’s all smiles and jazz hands. I can wear a dress now and have a new name so life is good. I wish it was that simple!! What people don’t see is the constant battle that goes on inside. The one that’s hidden from view, fuelled by frustration, annoyance, impatience and even sadness. You can change the clothes you wear but you can’t change the body you’re in. Not straight away. In fact, it takes a long time. We’re talking a few years. When I can start isn’t even up to me. That’s what destroys me. I saw myself in the mirror earlier and I was disgusted. Just that visual alone is worth killing myself for. The reminder that my brain doesn’t match my body. It’s like a cruel joke having to see that in the mirror every day. Most of today has been spent trying not to sink any further which, quite frankly, is fucking exhausting. I’m not saying all days are like this. Like depression, arthritis or any other condition, there are good days and bad days. Until things are “fixed” you have to survive every day with the feelings of dysphoria.

I see how far I’ve come and don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful…but, just as my dad wondered why I couldn’t turn turn 2 B’s in 2 A’s in my exams, I can’t help but dwell on what hasn’t happened. Maybe it’s too late in life and I shouldn’t even bother doing this at all? Changing your entire life when so much is already established is a HUGE thing to do. I do wish I’d been able to do it much sooner. Maybe if I did, I’d be nearer to the top of the waiting list by now. Waiting is all the NHS seems to make you do. It does nothing but add to the suffering. When I stopped eating and was classed as a priority case to be admitted to an Eating Disorder Unit, I still had to wait months. Imagine those who aren’t classed as a priority? I know that resources are stretched but come on, people are seriously struggling. Some are literally dying. The GIC I chose had the lowest waiting time but that’s still no indication of when it’ll be my turn. The other option is to go private. Something I have considered, but it’s proving to be messy. The same number of people say good things about one place as the same number of people who say bad things. That’s if the clinic hasn’t closed because of a damaging lawsuit. This waiting to correct myself is driving me fucking crazy. It’s always there at the back of my mind, chipping away at me. Normally I can cope and stay positive but today it took a huge chunk and I feel so exposed and lonely because of it.

Everything that happened is a reminder that my life isn’t right and that there’s little I can do to correct it. If the people I encountered last week are anything to go by, some will never see me as “correct”. But fuck what they think. They’ve not had to live with suicide attempts, self harm and depression developed from something that was out of their control in the first place. My life’s enough of a struggle as it is, without having to deal with small-minded, ignorant twats who insist on judging me or looking at me in disgusted. Dude, I’m already disgusted with myself – you’re ignorance doesn’t even come close to matching it, so fuck off!!

Each day, there’s a bigger urge to be myself. I go to bed hoping that everything will be fixed when I wake up. Impatience? Or greed? Now I can say to the world “this is who I am” after being trapped for so long, I want more. I want it all. Right now. But all new chapters bring new challenges, don’t they? Life is never that simple. Even simple things are going wrong today. Basic stuff that’s been worked on or fixed in the past has all come undone today. Why? Why can’t things just be fixed and stay fixed?? How is it even possible to completely forget or unlearn stuff that was simple to begin with??? It makes no sense!! I can normally find a way to put up with stuff like that, but not today. I don’t have the patience or the strength to deal with that sort of basic level shit today. I’m supposed to be moving forward with life, not treading water just in case the current happens to take me in the right direction. Life is what you make of it but it seems I can’t really do very much right now. I find myself just waiting. Losing hope and patience. I wake up, I do whatever, I go to sleep, I wake up the next day and do it all again. Over and over again, until somebody decides I can be seen at the GIC. Even then I have more waiting ahead of me.

I don’t even know the point of this post, to be honest. Things don’t make sense in my head today. It’s difficult for anything to mean something when the dysphoria gets on top of you and its friend Depression comes to take advantage. I don’t really want sympathy, nor do I want people to tell me it’ll all be ok. It might be. It might not be. Who knows. I’m being realistic about it. Just because I’m on the waiting list for a GIC or have come out as transgender, it doesn’t guarantee everything will now be ok. Let’s be realistic here: there’s a high suicide rate associated with transgender people for a reason. I suppose this post is what’s in my head right now. A glimpse into what it’s like to be so stuck, so disgusted with your own body and so frustrated about the lack of options faced by so many transgender people.

Featured image: via Google