The last few days have been hectic, to say the least. With everything that’s happened lately, it’s made me realise that things are changing. Fast. As much as I’m trying to keep up with things, I’m still overwhelmed.
Instagram is pretty crazy. Lots of positive comments from people (as well as comments from some people who are…let’s just say, not looking to be inspired, motivated or informed!!) have touched me, but I’m still struggling to accept them. The whole idea of using the new Instagram was to gain more confidence and desensitise myself from being visible – to get used to not hiding in the background…but it’s also brought about another lesson: dealing with compliments. I’ve always struggled with compliments, often saying thank you to be polite or acknowledging how much somebody’s words mean to me on a simpler level…but it’s letting it sink in that’s the hard bit. When I was at school, being bullied got to me and made me paranoid. When anybody said anything, I’d wonder why they were even talking to me. Were they trying to set me up for something? Was it a prank? Were they taking the piss? All these thoughts ran through my mind daily. I was constantly looking for cover and trying to hide so nobody would see me. If they couldn’t see me, they couldn’t make fun of me. Or so I thought.
Fast forward a few years and those feelings of people trying to make sure I fail or scheming behind my back are still with me. It’s not something you can really just turn off or tease apart from your life. Something I’m still really conscious of is how I look. I’m more comfortable with a photo now than I ever have been, but I still judge each one. Of 10 photos of me, I’d struggle to find one that I definitely like. TO me, I still see the old me. Somebody trying to to be themselves. People have said I look female, but I don’t see it. I just want to say that I don’t want to sound ungrateful to those who have left really kind comments. I really, really do appreciate people taking the time to leave them on my post or photo. They just seem to hit a barrier on the way to my brain. That barrier then turns it into something it’s not, or never was. I wish I could stop it, but I can’t. I’m hoping that in time, I can get used to them. In psychotherapy, I was told that we don’t always have to believe something straight away. In fact, it’s ok to question something or to not believe it at all. But rather than dismiss that something or lock it away quickly, thinking it’s a contagious or destructive thing, it’s also ok to let it sit with you for a while and/or consider it. You may not believe in it after a week, a month or even a year. In fact, you may never believe in it at all. That’s not the point. The point is to allow yourself to accept something different or challenging, and to live with it – even if you don’t understand it. Whether it be somebody else’s opinion vs your own, or an event that’s happened which has disrupted your life, things rarely happen the way we want them to, and it’s learning to live with the outcome that’s important. I know this, but I’m still learning and finding ways to allow myself to let uncomfortable things sit with me. Comments on my photos or even just putting myself out there for the world to see, are things I need to learn to deal with. It’s scary and unsettling, but it’s also the way forward.
Given that things are changing, I’ve decided this blog will too. It’s only right. In a way it has already changed. There’s been an obvious shift in content, for a start. I’ve added links to my social media profiles…and even added a photo of me. These are things I would never have done before now, and I have so many people to thank for giving me that strength. Mentally I’m now more focused on the future and what I need to do, as I evolve as a person. Change is good.
Featured image: via Google
[Square Peg] (Round Hole) 