I’ve always hated having my photo taken. To be honest, there aren’t that many photos of me. I prefer it that way. I struggle with photos (especially selfies) because I hate the way I look. I pick it apart. Looking at a photo of me, is like when I look in the mirror: I have a feeling of sadness and disgust. That person in the photo isn’t me. But it is. It’s a reminder that I don’t look how I feel.
I’ve always struggled with my appearance and even ended up going to extremes, trying to find ways to establish control over something that I have little control over. My eating disorder was just 1 extreme example. In the past, I couldn’t say why I hated my appearance. If I made an honest comment about how I felt, people would simply say “oh, don’t be silly” and as a result, I’d bury the hatred for my own appearance. That turned into frustration and there’d be times when I’d explode and do something stupid. Bizarrely, since I made the decision to be the real me, I’ve actually struggled with my appearance in another way. Who would have thought eh?! Now that I’m being more honest and open with myself, I’m not having to hide or pretend…which leads to another challenge, beyond how I see myself: how the world sees me. I guess at the end of the day I have to become more confident in who I am and what I look like. Confidence is something I’ve always lacked. Whether it was in my music, my art or my appearance. Years of feeling not good enough is difficult to overcome. More so when it comes from within.
To boost my confidence, my best friend suggested that I use a new Instagram profile. That way I can slowly get used to being visible and start to see myself for me, not the image in my head. Uploading the first photo was scary as fuck but so far it’s been ok. This is new territory for me so I’m trying not to let it overwhelm me. Despite some really nice comments from people, I still struggle to digest them. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful as I know people genuinely mean them (well, I hope so anyway!!) but they clash with what I have in my head. I must admit, I’m happier to let the world see a photo of the real me, than a photo of the fake me. It’s a small step towards uniting the inside with the outside, even if I do feel awkward posing for photos. Then again, even in band photo shoots, I used to struggle so no change there. One thing I didn’t expect was the amount of private/spam messages I’d get. The sort which are a bit…creepy. Still, at least they’re not abusive messages.
It’s been so inspiring to see others going through their journey. Even though everyone is at a different point, we’re all heading in the same direction: to just be ourselves. Sadly my own insecurities do creep in – comparing myself to others, telling myself I need to do better with my make up or look better in a photo etc. I have to keep trying to not let those thoughts in and just allow myself to exist on my own terms. It’s hard work battling yourself all the time!! Hopefully, with time, I can start to accept another view of myself. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that I can’t seem to smile!!
Featured image: by me
[Square Peg] (Round Hole) 