So the week finished with mixed feelings. At times I was ok, but I was mainly drowning. I’m at the point where I’m seriously considering going back to the doctor’s before anything crazy happens and I do something stupid. I’ve been trying to figure out what is that’s causing this, hoping it’ll give me a clue as to how I can fix myself. But in all honesty, I don’t really know. Each day gives me a new suggestion for why I feel like this – but nothing certain.
Time is something that bothers me. It’s one of the things I cannot change, no matter how hard I try. There have been many times over the last few days where I cannot help but wonder if I’ve left it too late to transition. I know people have transitioned much later in life but I can only consider things from my own perspective right now – based on my own life and my own circumstances. I think it’s a cause of so much frustration. Now that I know what I need to do, I just want to get on with it. I don’t want to waste any more time. But I’m not in control. I’ve already wasted my life so far, due to living in denial, and now I have to wait. I’m waiting for somebody else to tell me when I can continue. Until then, it’s like things are on pause. I’ve actually been looking at private GICs but there don’t seem to any in the UK. The main one I’ve found only has a mobile number (?!) instead of an actual office number, whilst one that a lot of people spoke highly of has ceased practicing – possibly due to an investigation by the GMC. Another one was at the back of a shop and turned out to be run by somebody who wasn’t even qualified. So what is it about the lack of resources, both private and NHS? Why can’t I get the help I need now that I’ve recognised I need it??
Isolation is something else that has caught up with me. I have accepted myself and I have told people important to me, as well as my doctor. I’m just trying to get on with my life now, trying to move forward (even though I’m not in control) but the feeling of being alone is crushing. Almost like I’m still hiding. Am I? Despite taking the step to be referred to a GIC, despite opening up to important people in my life, am I still hiding myself? I’m wondering if it’s to do with the fact that I’ve not made a formal announcement or created a social media status about. These days things don’t actually exist or aren’t official until you’ve posted about it on Facebook. I don’t see why I should need to. Or do I? By not telling people, am I deceiving them? A part of me says no…but another part of me is starting to says yes. This is my life, my business and my choice. Do I have an obligation to tell people? Like “oh by the way, I’m transgender, if you have a problem with that then I understand!!” Warning people supports the stigma attached to being transgender: that we’re different, wrong, or an unequal part of society. Well, I’m a person. Ok, I may not have been born with a brain that matches my body but I’m a person nonetheless. Being transgender doesn’t make anyone any less of a person. If anything, I like to think it makes them an honest person. A person that’s admitted who they are. With all that in mind, this isolation shouldn’t have anything to do with people not knowing. If they ask, yeh I’ll tell them. It’s something that I’m no longer shamed of. At work the other day, a customer quizzed me about my make up. They asked if I put it on every day and if it’s something I chose to do etc. I answered honestly. I was actually waiting for them to ask me why I wore make up or whether I was transgender, but that never happened. Instead they just sat there looking at me. I can’t tell if they were confused about me or genuinely curious. Again, why does it matter to them?
Family is one thing that I’ve been thinking about over the last few days. There have been times where I’ve thought about telling them. They’re going to hate it and will more than likely struggle to cope with it…but at least it solves me having to distance myself. Once they find out, it’ll put an even bigger wedge between us and the distance will follow naturally. I’ve even thought about what to say to my sister as it would mean never seeing my nephew again. I don’t see him enough as it is now, and he struggles to recognise me, so what difference would it make if I never saw him again? He’s really young, he doesn’t even remember me now, let alone in a few years’ time. To him, it’d be as if I didn’t exist. Then again, my whole family would all be so ashamed of me that in their eyes, I would no longer exist. Maybe that’s a good thing, not existing. Right now, I’m struggling to exist from one day to the next and I’m more tired than I’ve ever been.
Featured image: via Google