Houston, We Have A Problem

Countdown - Pause

Oh fuck. I dug out the appointment card for my doctor’s appointment ready for tomorrow and found it said Friday. I had Thursday based on what the receptionist told me last week as she handed me the card. I was so shocked to be making the appointment that I never even checked the card she gave me, I just went off what she said. After clarifying, the appointment is definitely on Friday. Well, this is both good and bad.

I’m not going to lie, I am really gutted that it’s not tomorrow. It’s not just another day of nerves and anxiety which upsets me, it’s the fact that I have to wait another day. As much as I’m shitting myself about it, I do want it to happen. I was actually looking forward to taking the first step tomorrow. But little errors like this can happen. At work, I’ve been so busy that I’ve said one thing but meant another. Good job I did still have the card and didn’t just rely on the appointment in my phone. Thing is, I’ve realised this disappointment brings good news too: I know I’m sure about doing this. Let’s be honest, if any part of me wasn’t sure, I would be relieved about the delay. But no, I’m willingly putting myself through the anxiety of the situation because I know it’s worth it. A few weeks or months ago, I would not have come to the same conclusion.

There’s been a huge change in me – a change that’s allowed me to focus on the things that do matter…a change that’s inspired me to take a step into the unknown and better my life. A lot of the inspiration came from my best friend and Sinead. They’ve both done and achieved so much, no matter what challenges they’ve faced along the way. It makes me want to push myself too, and to be like them. It takes a lot to not only make the change but to stick with it.

Slightly off-topic, I made the leap and bought a Mac Book yesterday. At the time, it seemed insignificant – a bit of retail therapy after a reeeeeeeeeeeally shit day. To be honest, I’d been looking for a while but never did more about it. I certainly didn’t expect to get one yesterday!! I’ve used Macs at uni, but I’d always been a Windows PC user all my life, so that kind of put me off for quite a while. Last night though, I realised it wasn’t about the Mac Book itself – that was merely a symbol. It was all about change. I’m at the point in my life where I’m ready to take a chance on the unknown. I know I can’t move forward without being ready to embrace change, no matter how scary it may be.

Please know that this doesn’t mean I don’t love my other half or that I’m leaving her behind. Ok, she doesn’t want to know about this and it is affecting her too. That’s now become a separate issue to sort out. I will always help her be the best and to support her in any way that I can but I can’t keep spending my life fixing other people – otherwise, who’s going to fix me? Trying to do something for the old man and his dog has made me realise so much about who I am, and who I should be.

Featured image: via Google

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