Today is a slightly better day than yesterday. I think being back at work gave me something to focus on, so I didn’t have to drown in my own thoughts. In 3 days time, I will be going to see a doctor about all of this. They’ll be the first complete stranger I tell. I’m worried. Worried about how they’ll react, whether they’ll judge me or what they’ll even say. I know they’re a doctor and shouldn’t discriminate, but that does nothing to calm my anxiety. I’ve tried to prepare by reading up on it. Sinead was ace enough to send me a link to some resources, so that’s really helped and now I have a better idea of what I can do, as well as what they can or can’t do. Sadly, none of the resources can take away my nerves or my fear. Having played on stage in front of shit loads of people, you’d think I would be ok with this. I’m not. That’s so different. For a start, drummers sit at the back, where nobody can see them. Plus when you’re onstage, you’re not the only one, even if they can see you. Looking out from the stage, you usually only see the first 3 or 4 rows of people due to the house lights being off, so you don’t actually see all the eyes on you. On Thursday, it’s just me and the doctor. No drum kit to hide behind, nobody else to take some of the attention. A part of me wants this to hurry up. The waiting and anticipation is killing me. After waiting so long for this to actually happen, I would’ve thought another few days would be nothing. No. Knowing it’s so close means I’m even more impatient. I just really hope it’s not a complete anticlimax.
So far, only 2 people know I’m going to the doctor about this. They’re the 2 people who have openly supported me since I told them. Bizarrely, I feel really excited too. Excited enough to tell the world. I really can’t figure out why I feel this. Is it because of the relief? Or the fact that I’m now accepting myself for who I am and I’m starting to become protective of that. Protective enough to be able to tell people and stand up for myself? Hmmm, I wish!! With close friends supporting me and inspirational people like Paris Lees working hard for transgender equality, I do feel a bit stronger.
A few days ago, Donald Trump announced that he was banning transgender people from serving in the US military because their medicine was too costly and that they were a disruption!!
What a fucking twat. I don’t care if he is the President of the USA, he has no right to treat people like that – regardless of their background. The rest of the world thought the same too. My Twitter and Facebook feeds were full of people (including many celebrities and campaigners) voicing their opinion. Reading the comments made me feel safe. There was love and support for the transgender community after all. A kind I’d never seen before. I need to remember this.
Featured image: via Google