That Sinking Feeling

Statue Of Liberty

From the moment I woke up today, I knew it was going to be difficult. I was irritable, emotional and lost. Last night, when I went to bed, I had so much enthusiasm for today. When I woke up early to try and have a productive day, I realise I felt different. I felt so empty and lonely. That enthusiasm had been stolen from me. Between last night and this morning, there’d been a massive change. And you know what frustrates me so much? I don’t know what changed. The more I try and figure it out, the more frustrated I become when I realise I don’t know the answer. I should know the answer.Maybe the events of the last few days have sunk in? The organised and analytical part of me wants to know how things will be and what will happen. The truth is, I don’t know what will happen now. I’m stepping into the unknown. I’ve dreamed of this moment, when I can finally be myself, but I never thought it would actually happen. Now it’s here, I’m so scared and worried about the rest of my life. Quite a change from a few days ago.

Knowing that I wasn’t in the best of moods, I decided to just go back to bed. The world is much better off if I’m asleep. I slept for another couple of hours. A small part of me wanted to get stuff done. It gave me a reason to get up, so I forced myself out of bed. The day was ok when I was able to get on with stuff. We’re so busy during the week that Sunday is really the only time we get to tidy things up and do some housework. Despite knowing what needed to be done, it was really fucking difficult to stay motivated and, more importantly, not let my other half know that I wasn’t feeling ok. In my head, it felt easier to just say nothing and not get into the whole “are you ok?” thing – especially as it was a question I couldn’t answer. When everything had been done, I decided to spend some time behind my drum kit. Playing music gives me a chance to zone out, whilst letting off some steam. Things were going well until about an hour later. As I felt my mind wander, I just couldn’t stay focused on my timing or coordination. I tried again and again, even stripping back the tempo and building back up again. Nothing worked. This was really simple stuff but I couldn’t do it. It frustrated me so much knowing that I can normally get my feet and arms coordinated but not today. In the end, I gave up. I was defeated by my own depression. I ended up sat next to my drum kit not doing very much. Not thinking anything specific or trying very hard to find something else to do. I just couldn’t move.

I have no idea why depression would creep up on me now. Having made a positive change in my life recently, I thought things would be fine. But it was still here. By now it had consumed me completely and I just couldn’t fight back or shake it off. I didn’t want to bother anyone with how I was feeling, so I just kept myself to myself. My other half asked if I was ok but all I could do was be honest and say I don’t know. I appreciated she was trying to communicate but it came at a bad time. She even asked if I was writing my blog – the first time she’s mentioned it or anything to do with this since I first told her weeks ago. A part of me didn’t feel like opening up even if I could. I felt like I’d been abandoned and therefore she didn’t have a right to know. The negative feelings were building up and I needed to not listen to them. I understand it’s hard for her too, especially as she doesn’t want to know about it. So I just dismissed the situation, hoping to be left alone so I don’t upset anybody. I’m currently sat in the corner of the bedroom writing this. I can’t even be bothered to turn the light on despite it being dark. Nobody really needs to know about this, or me. They all have their lives to get on with and I sure as hell don’t want to be the one that ruins their night. I’ve got myself out of this kind of situation before. I’ll be able to do it again this time. I’m really trying right. The temptation to just go to bed or find some tablets to take is starting to call out again. I can’t. I need to stay focused and hope that I can salvage what’s left of the day. If I just give in now, I’m going to hate myself even more.

With my doctor’s appointment being on Thursday, I’m struggling to plan what to say. What I want to say sounds ridiculous, no matter how many times I rehearse it in my head…but it’s the truth. I should just go with that. A cynical part of me wonders just how much the doctor will do. Will they be sympathetic and know what they need to do? Or will they challenge me on it, making me beg for a referral to a gender identity clinic? Do I mention that I’m depressed? If my previous doctors have been anything to go by, they won’t take me seriously and just say that everything I’m feeling is down to depression. Even the gender dysphoria. As much as I’m dreading it, my appointment can’t come soon enough. I just need to hold on and make it through the next 4 days.

Featured image: via Google
Featured video: “Crawling” by Linkin Park (via Linkin Park’s YouTube page)

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