Since making the decision to take the next step, a weight has been lifted from me. I’ve not even needed to tell the world. Just accepting myself has been a massive change for me and how I feel about life. This is the first time I have ever felt happy about myself. It’s like I’ve been sleepwalking up till now. Having only woken up now though, I also realise I have so much to catch up on.
Even though I am now a lot more comfortable with myself, I’ve still found myself questioning things I do – trying to decide if it’s the real me doing them. It’s not as clear cut as you would expect. Now that I’ve made the decision to be myself, it doesn’t necessarily mean I will start wearing a dress all the time or whatever. I’m not going to suddenly ditch everything I have or am, simply to be female. I still have the same interests and I will still do the things I normally do. The only difference is that I will be doing them as the real me – not because I have to hide or pretend anymore. It’s quite subtle. For example if I wanted to paint my nails, I don’t have to only paint them black now. I don’t have to worry because I now accept who I am and there’s no need to hide it. I shouldn’t have to hide myself from the world. That said, I’m still not going to announce it – I shouldn’t have to do that either. Instead, I am going to focus on what it is to be me. The real me. Throughout my life, I’ve done things that felt natural to me, even if the rest of the world thought it wasn’t a “male” thing to do. I’ve done things expected of me, because society has conditioned me to do so. Well, those are the things I want to concentrate on. I want to be completely free and to not feel compelled to do what’s expected of me.
Something I’m all too aware of is that I may be female on the inside, but the outside doesn’t match. Yeh some people mistaken me for a woman sometimes, but most people know I’m biologically male or see me as some weird hybrid that doesn’t look one or the other. I’ve always hated my body because it never matched my brain – because it wasn’t female. Making the decision to accept myself has made me more conscious of my body and the way I look. I think it’s worse now because who I am is out there. No hiding. Now I can admit I’m female, it’s clear I don’t have a body to match. In the past, it didn’t matter in the same way. Wait, does that even make sense???! So whilst I’m still going to carry doing what I normally do, there’s the part of me that wants to do something about how I look. It’s not to suddenly be female overnight or for others, it’s for me. I’m still respectful of how this affects others, this isn’t just about me. I have my own thing to deal with and whilst others take the time out to deal with this too, I’m just going to keep myself to myself. From my point of view, this isn’t a goodbye to the old me…if anything, it’s welcoming the real me and being free of the things I no longer have to do just because of how I was born.
As mentioned in my last post, I’ve now registered at my new doctor’s surgery and I did make an appointment, which is next week. Wow, it’s happening. I was shocked that I allowed myself to do it. I was trembling as I asked for the appointment – even though I didn’t have to say what it was for!! The support I’ve had is what’s given me strength to go through with it. Asking for that appointment, I knew things would be ok. I knew I’d be ok. Of course, I’m really scared by all of this. Terrified. I’m trying not to focus on it right now but the fear is there. I keep reminding myself that it’s ok to be me and not to give into the fear. After all, fear is what caused a lifetime of denial. Sinead has been amazing in continuing to offer advice and taking the time to listen to me, even though I’ve waffled a lot due to millions of thoughts still zooming around inside my head. She mentioned about some other transgender friends and what she’s told me has helped me to remain focused over the past couple of days. It’s made me feel so…included. If that’s the right word to use? I no longer feel like an outcast. In fact, yesterday I did something that I never thought would happen. Whilst talking to Sinead, I said that I am transgender. I didn’t realise it at first but then it hit me afterwards. Shit, I’d actually said it!! It wasn’t as scary as I thought it’d be. In fact, I never even thought about saying, given the only people I talk to about it are her and my best friend – both of whom knew without me actually having to say it. But this time I did.
So yeh, after so many years of denial, hiding and fear, I can now finally admit that I’m transgender.
Featured image: via Google