Looking different is bound to attract attention. It goes without saying. I try not to go out at all but when I do, I expect to attract the attention of ignorant, small-minded people. Whilst I find a lot of this comes from certain demographics, it can come from anyone. It wears me down, it pisses me off and it ruins my ability to live life…but I guess that’s the price I pay for looking the way I do. However, Monday introduced me to a whole new level of ignorance.
Over the weekend, I bought my wife a Sphynx kitten for her upcoming birthday so, on Monday, we went to a pet store to get some more supplies. On a side note: the kitten doesn’t care who/what I am. That’s nice. I don’t have to worry or live in fear of judgement. If only people could be like that to each other. After paying, the shop assistant tried to hand my wife the receipt but her hands were full from picking up the items, so I automatically reached out to take it from him. Going off the way he looked at me, you’d have thought I just took a shit in his coffee. He slowly (and nervously) gave me the receipt but as soon he realised I was reaching up too, he just threw it into my hand and quickly pulled his hand away. He looked at me as if he was scared of catching something from me. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK??! Seriously dude?? What was he scared of catching? Makeup tips??! I was really shocked but I didn’t say anything or react a the time, we just left. I get stared at, I get people laughing at me, I get sly digs/comments made about me…I’ve even had people taking photos of me to share with their friends that couldn’t be there to experience the moment somebody like me turned up in their life. But this was just stupid. What was he afraid of? Did he think I was going to try it on with him? Stroke his hand?? Wait, let’s stick with that for a minute…why is it homophobic or transphobic people always assume you’re checking them out or going to rape them?! Just because people are different, that doesn’t mean they’re out of control or obsessed with humping everything or everyone in sight. Most of the time, people who make those assumptions are ugly as fuck anyway, so technically they have nothing to worry about!! Despite that, it does still mess me up. Ignoring people like that is much easier said than done. The most obvious advice people give is “ignore them, don’t let them get to you – they’re not worth it”…but when being singled out is an everyday occurrence, it’s difficult to ignore or switch off. It wears you down.
That wasn’t the only thing that stuck out from that day. I’m pretty sure someone I know made a dig at me on Facebook as well. Given that Sphynx cats have no hair, I was looking at getting him a little jumper, to keep him warm. When discussing it, this is one of the comments/replies that I got:
Nothing too suspicious as it is. I mean, you could just put it down to a bit of banter. A total coincidence that’s tinted with a bit paranoia. Fair enough. Now, what if I revealed that he’s married to the person who made the comment about me being a “magical girl/boy” a couple of weeks ago? Too much of a coincidence or too much paranoia?? I know them through my other half and they’ve both made comments about this sort of thing. Nobody else has, apart from my best friend – but even then it’s not a subject that’s avoided or skirted around (no pun intended). So really, what are the chances eh? To be honest, I don’t care if they know. If my wife did feel the need to tell them, fine. Let’s just acknowledge it and move on. No need for subtle comments or hints. If my wife’s been talking to them about it, that could explain why she hasn’t spoken to me about it. It’s up to her who she tells. Even if I said I wasn’t ready for anyone outside of my closest friends to know, I can’t stop her from choosing to ignore that. Maybe it is a coincidence. Maybe I’m seeing what’s not there. Or maybe, it’s time to buy a lotto ticket?
On the subject of telling people, I found out last weekend that my best friend had told her mom about the situation. She told her the day after I told my wife. That wasn’t a surprise to be honest. In fact, I did say a while ago that I’d be happy for her mom to know. Like my best friend, she is practically family to me. As people find out, it becomes less and less scary. That’s quite reassuring. I still don’t know about how I’ll be able to look my best friend’s mom in the eye when I see her next, but that’s something I’ll deal with nearer the time. For now, I’m just trying my best to let the idea of people knowing sit with me for a bit. There are times when I do feel like telling the world so I no longer have to hide…but those moments are quickly shut away by the sensible side of me. The difference between my best friend’s mom finding out and the possibility of our mutual friends finding out from my other half is very apparent. I’m not saying she did tell them, I’m just saying it seems suspicious or too much of a coincidence, and there could be a chance that they do know. My best friend telling her mom was something I said she could do. I was prepared for it. Ok, I wasn’t prepared for her telling her boyfriend, but I was fine with that too. The common factor? My best friend – she voluntarily told me that she’d said something to them. If my other half has said something to our mutual friends, then she’s certainly not mentioned it to me. If she never said anything and they simply worked it out on their own, then fair play to them!! It’s not a case of who knows. It’s how they know, and being respected enough to be kept in the loop, rather than being the unwitting subject of people’s conversations. Yeh, it happens now…but they’re strangers. People I’ll never see again. It’s different when it’s people you know and are friends with. I’d like to think that if people did find out (or worked it out themselves) they would just be honest and upfront about it. The “not knowing” is what triggers anxiety and fear. Right now, I’m not doing ok at all…anxiety and fear is not what I need.
Featured image: via Google