Today is a slightly better day than yesterday. I think being back at work gave me something to focus on, so I didn’t have to drown in my own thoughts. In 3 days time, I will be going to see a doctor about all of this. They’ll be the first complete stranger I tell. I’m worried. Worried about how they’ll react, whether they’ll judge me or what they’ll even say.Read More »
From the moment I woke up today, I knew it was going to be difficult. I was irritable, emotional and lost. Last night, when I went to bed, I had so much enthusiasm for today. When I woke up early to try and have a productive day, I realise I felt different. I felt so empty and lonely. That enthusiasm had been stolen from me. Between last night and this morning, there’d been a massive change.Read More »
Since making the decision to take the next step, a weight has been lifted from me. I’ve not even needed to tell the world. Just accepting myself has been a massive change for me and how I feel about life. This is the first time I have ever felt happy about myself. It’s like I’ve been sleepwalking up till now. Having only woken up now though, I also realise I have so much to catch up on.Read More »
Well, the last few days have been a complete whirlwind. So much going on inside my head, at home and at work. When it all reached boiling point, I was ready to explode. Instead of checking out early though, I did something I never thought I’d do: I made a decision.
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On Thursday, we went to book our kitten on for his vaccination. As we came out from the vet’s, I bumped into a man hugging his dog. I was just about to say hello to the dog when I noticed the man was in tears. I didn’t hear exactly what he said, as he was so upset…the only words I could make out were “putting to sleep”. That’s all I needed to know. As I got into my car, I watched him tightly hugging his dog for one final time as he went inside. I was devastated. Seeing him so upset really got to me. I couldn’t not think about it. That night I decided to write him a letter offering to do what I could for him. Anything to help take his mind off things or make him happier. The next day, I took the letter back to the vet’s and asked them to pass it onto the man. In case you’re wondering, here’s it said…
Whether he gets in touch or not is up to him. As I’ve realised recently, I can only do so much. It’s up to the other person to meet me half way. Or even just some of the way. I’m totally serious about getting him another dog too. Why not? There’s so much shit in the world, with bad things happening to good or innocent people. I may be just one person, but hopefully I can show those around me that they have no reason to be afraid of me. Just because I may be struggling with gender identity, it doesn’t mean I’m a monster. Whatever I do to change my appearance or fix myself, I’ll still want to do whatever I can for people – whether I know them or not. The urge to help people has always been a part of me. As my life changes, the need to help others or make a difference in the world gets stronger. I think it helps me to feel a part of this world. I feel more alive – like I actually mean something. It also gives me a distraction from my own issues – which can also be a bad thing.
Something else happened that day which made me more determined to move forward with change. When I got home from the vet’s, I found out that Chester Bennington had taken his own life. I couldn’t believe it. I only saw them play live exactly 2 weeks earlier. Linkin Park were such a huge influence on me, both musically and emotionally. I remember seeing them as a little support band when I worked at a music venue back in Manchester. They nailed it every time I’ve seen them. Their more recent albums haven’t always agreed with me but it’s not about that. It’s about what they represent. Their music got me through some really bad times. In fact, tracks like “One Step Closer” and “In The End” from their “Hybrid Theory” album externalised my thoughts back then. It was such a relief to realise I wasn’t alone in that way of thinking. I almost chose their song “Numb” for the featured video on my last post. Almost. So yeh, Chester was suffering from depression and decided it end it all. What really hurts is knowing how he feels. When you’re so lost inside your head and you can’t see a way out, or you’re crushed under the pressure, you feel like giving up. I’ve felt this so many times. I still do. Since the Courtesans gig earlier this year, I’ve been a lot better at looking for non-destructive ways to deal with stuff but I’m not going to lie, there are a lot of times when I still think “fuck this, I can’t go on”. On the outside, I may be smiles and jokes but I’m still struggling on the inside. If I did fall past the point of no return, nobody would even know. I’ve become an expert in hiding it. The same way Chester had. It’s so dangerous. That’s what scares me so much. It’s too easy to just check out when you’re tired of fighting not just the world, but yourself too.
Even with the recent developments, I know it’s still not going to be a smooth ride. I don’t expect it to be. As much as I try to move forward with my life, I know it could be a waste of time if I’m not careful. I hope I can stay in control because it’s time to let myself be me. Wanting to take away the man’s sadness over the loss of his dog was me trying to exist. Hearing about Chester taking his own life through depression was a reminder that anything could happen whilst trying to exist.
Featured image: via Google
Featured video: “In The End” by Linkin Park (via Linkin Park’s YouTube page)