I’ve spent the past few days feeling a bit ambivalent about everything. I’m not entirely sure why. I honestly thought I was doing so well but instead it’s like I’ve taken a huge step back. My other half and I still haven’t spoken about it again, since I told her over a week ago. In fact, I’ve not really spoken to anybody about it. I’ve just gone back to being on my own. To be perfectly honest, it’s probably easier that way. Not talking to anyone means I don’t have to bug them about it. I’m pretty sure people have other things to be getting on with in their lives, without needing to hear about me and my ongoing problem. I must sound like a broken record.
So why do I feel this way? As I mentioned in my last post, I hadn’t made any progress since I made an absolute mess of revealing all to my wife. But now I seem to be moving backwards. So technically there has been progress recently, just in the wrong direction. I still don’t really know what my wife is thinking, so I’m left to draw my own conclusions. I try not to though. Especially when I keep reverting back to the ending I’ve been dreading: she wakes up one day, realises what this means and leave me. Maybe it’s reassurance that I need, or maybe it’s being in limbo whilst there’s an obvious elephant in the room that only I can see? Or maybe she thinks it’s no big deal and life is continuing as before? But it is a big deal. Certainly for me. My very existence is being examined and I’m supposed to make some kind of decision about it. Whatever happens, there is no going back. Maybe it’s the pressure of the situation that is making me not want to go any further? It’s really fucking confusing. If I know how I feel about me, then why can’t I just do something? Anything. Let’s face it, anything is better than what’s happening right now.
I’m not going to lie, it’s also been a pretty lonely few days. I’ve been trying to get on with each day, just to make it through to the end. My ability to get on with life is dwindling. I can’t ignore things or just get on with things, not like I used to. In fact, this is all I can think about now. All day, every day. It’s driving me insane. Like when you have the answer on the tip of your tongue but you just can’t say what it is. I just need something to shut it off so I can have few moments of peace. I wish I had some tablets to take as things are starting to boil over again, I can feel it.
I don’t think I can write anymore at the moment. My thoughts are just too fragmented. Nothing makes sense and I’m just frustrating myself more trying to make sense of things. Hopefully the next few days will be better days.
Featured image: via Google