It’s been a few days since my wife and I had a long chat about all of this. Apart from a couple of very slight references to the subject, it’s not really been brought up or mentioned at all. If anything, it’s just been business as normal, which makes me wonder: did I explain myself properly at all?
Other than me being thrown out and the relationship ending, I didn’t really know what to expect by revealing this to her. Maybe in some way I was secretly hoping she’d tell me what the problem was? Or that she would know exactly what to do? I’m really stumped. She’s said to me that she’ll love me no matter what but, as I keep reminding myself, that doesn’t guarantee she’ll want to stay together. Loving somebody and physically being able to be with them are 2 very different things. So am I to assume the avoidance of the subject means our future is uncertain? This could be her way of digesting what’s been said. Again, I am not questioning her love for me, but without anything to go on I have no clue. In some ways, I’m more confused now than before I told her. I’m too scared to bring up the subject in case she really doesn’t want to think about it or is trying to ignore it. It would be wrong of me to make her talk about it if it’s something that has hurt her. I know it will have done. She may be trying to appear supportive on the outside but I know this is a big thing for anybody to have to come to terms with. Me bringing up the subject would be like rubbing her face in it – and I refuse to do that. She deserves better. Better than me. Instead, I just try to carry on too. Still locked inside my own head, trying to figure out what my life is supposed to be whilst trying desperately to just get through each day.
Though I’ve mentioned this blog to her, she hasn’t read it. I know things have been really busy with work, but there have been times when she could have read it, but chose not to. Again, the only conclusion I can draw from this is that she isn’t as ok with this as she made out. Over the weekend, we went back to Manchester for Manchester Day. A weekend of no work, just relaxing and spending time together, whilst paying our respects to those that were affected by the recent terrorist attack. The drive back to Birmingham took about 2 hours, and she could have read it. But instead she was just checking out things online. At the end of the weekend, we got stuck in really bad traffic so it took us about 3 hours to get home…but again. I interest in reading my blog. The subject wasn’t mentioned at all. Maybe it’s denial? I mean, I used to pretend it wasn’t happening by avoiding it. Maybe this is her way of trying to deny it too? I don’t blame her. I’m still ashamed and disgusted with myself for letting other people get involved with my mess. I hate being a burden to anybody. Even more so when I’m the cause. I think the only thing I can do is keep this to myself. I feel guilty for talking about it to anyone. What right do I have to ruin somebody’s day with my misery?
I do also wonder if my wife has mentioned it to anybody. The other day, a mutual friend of ours messaged me, asking for advice on an infected tattoo which her friend had done at another studio. I explained what to look for and how to deal with it, including what antibiotics her friend should get from the doctor. Just after I explained this, she messaged me back with a photo of the same antibiotics I mentioned, along with “You can see the future…..you are a magical girl/boy.” Erm, what???! What did she mean by that? It didn’t click straight away as I just wanted to make sure her friend was ok and that she took the necessary steps to contain the infection and get the right help. Afterwards I sat there looking at the message, trying to get my head around what she could have been getting at. It’s been a few days and I still don’t know. She is good friends with my other half, so it’s likely they could have talked about it? Would my wife tell me if she was talking to somebody else about it? Or is she trying to find a way to get out of the situation? I’m so totally confused and worried. The not knowing and the avoidance is killing me. I don’t really know where I stand at the moment. I wish things were different. In a way, I wish I didn’t say anything until I knew I could definitely explain myself properly. The relationship may not have ended immediately when I told her but that doesn’t mean it’s not starting to sink. Now that she knows, it’s out of my hands. All I can do is watch to see what happens next, whilst (in the meantime) looking elsewhere for ways to deal with this mess. But that can wait till tomorrow. I’m not in the mood right now. Shit hit the fan with a design and I’m just not in the mood to do anything other than sit in a dark room on my own.
Featured image: via Google