I was in 2 minds over my last post: should it have been public or private? It’s for my wife and nobody else so, in that sense, it should be private. However, it stems from the honesty and transparency which this blog has given me. So why hide what I want to say? Besides, that letter was an extension of this blog…something that will hopefully help her to see what I’m going through. After writing that post, I was expecting to spend another night drowning inside my own head. Instead, I spent the night (and morning) talking to her about it.
Thing is, I didn’t plan to say anything at all that night. I knew from the last few weeks that if I psyched myself up to tell her, I’d only be disappointed when something else more urgent came along. I didn’t even have chance to pack a bag, in case she asked me to leave once she’d found out. By the way, I’m not questioning her love or support when I say this. If anything it’s my own fear. I’ve read so many stories and heard about how things rarely work out as a result of this, whether it’s Laura Jane Grace’s follow up interview or the woman who only agreed to stay with her partner because her partner was totally convincing as a female…along with the fact that it creates so much pressure on what was supposed to be a heterosexual relationship. It’s difficult not to become pessimistic – even more so when you stand to lose the love of your life.
When she mentioned that she’d finished her work and asked why I was really down, I knew that could be my only chance. I took it. To be totally honest, I was shocked by my own actions…but if there’s anything I’ve learned in the last few weeks, it’s to seize the moment or regret it forever. Through this blog, I’ve been able to share and talk about things which previously were just dark, shameful secrets that could have died with me. And let’s face it, there have been quite a few times where they almost did. My previous posts been open and honest about that too. In fact, the need to be honest is growing all the time. As if a part of me has decided not to continue lying about myself anymore.
I’m not going to explain what we talked about in detail because that really is just between us. Something that was apparent though: I’m still scared to say certain things out loud. Online, typed, it’s fine. I can talk about gender dysphoria (or gender identity disorder, whichever you want to call it). It’s not very scary. Maybe because it doesn’t seem real? On a blog that nobody really reads, it’s quite removed. An externalisation of the things which have haunted my life. But to say it out loud to somebody is another thing. It makes the truth way more real. Well, it does from my point of view. Then there’s the fear, the nerves and sheer panic of potentially losing everything. Not a good combination when trying to open up about something so important. Sadly, I wasn’t able to articulate things very well, so I do wonder if she understood what I was trying to say. If not, then I’ve clearly failed in my attempt to tell her, and that would be my fault. There’s still so much to talk about. It’s not something that can be debated or solved out in an overnight conversation. Even then, it relies on me being able to say what I feel. Trying to describe how it feels to have my brain not match my body is fucking difficult, I can tell you that for free!! I’m not going to lie, I can’t help but be worried in case she does realise the full implications and end up ending this relationship. Maybe not now or any time soon…just the thought that it could happen. The not knowing is way more scary. Again, that’s no reflection on her. It’s me. Maybe it’s the fear of loss? After the recent disappointments of not being able to tell her even when I thought the opportunity was right, I can’t begin to imagine the disappointment from any sudden changes of heart. Having said that, I don’t blame anyone for changing their mind over wanting to include me in their life. That’s my insecurity though. Something I need to find a way to deal with.
What happens now is anybody’s guess. I have support from my wife and my best friend, which I’m truly grateful for. Oh yeh, that reminds me, my best friend told me that she’d told her boyfriend quite soon after she found out. She was reading my blog when he asked about it. Turns out he already knew when I went to Newquay a few weeks ago. And there was me worrying about what he was going to think of me when I met him for the first time!! He didn’t treat me any differently or make a big deal out of stuff at all. I respect and thank him for that. He’s proof that there are genuine people in this world. I’m not mad or upset that she told him. I totally understand this is a lot to deal with. As I’ve always said: this isn’t just going to affect me. It’s as life-changing for those around me as it is for me. These events have given me even more hope and for the first time I can finally just focus on figuring out what’s stopping me from moving forwards.
Featured image: via Huffington Post