Head Or Heart?

Despite being really apprehensive about it, I had a really great time last weekend. Phew!! Meeting my best friend’s boyfriend for the first time wasn’t too formal, which really helped my anxiety. He’s a nice guy. Seeing my best friend for the first time since telling her about everything wasn’t scary at all either. In fact, it had the opposite effect: it gave me more hope. I still can’t say the words out loud to myself or anyone but talking to her about it in person made things seem less scary. When I got home, she did say that she didn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable, which was why she was a bit worried about bringing up the subject. That meant a lot to me. She’s not just my best friend, she’s like family to me…so to be honest, she could sit me down and make me talk about it, and I’d still feel ok about it. Why? Because deep down, I know she genuinely cares so anything she does about it wouldn’t be meant in a malicious way. She’s always there for me and I’m really lucky to have her as a best friend. I truly mean that. Now, if only she would tell me what I should do next or shed some light on which path I should take…that would really help!! Haha. Getting back to my original point above, I can only imagine that talking about it more will desensitise me to the whole thing? Maybe one day I can admit it in words, rather than waffling on and on, or hinting…or even just avoiding it altogether? Until then, I think I’m going to be stuck in this bizarre limbo-like state of extended denial or confusion, wondering about the next part: telling my other half.

Even though it’s not a major leap forward, this slight increase in confidence has been noticeable since I got back. It’s a renewed sense of hope, I guess. However the fear of losing everything in my life hasn’t changed. If anything, the more confident I get about telling my other half, the more that fear grows. I wish I could say for sure how my other half would react but I can’t. I have a feeling she’ll hit the roof and we’ll break up…but I wouldn’t blame her. This isn’t what she wants. It’s not something I can take back or make her forget if shit hits the fan. Once I’ve said it, there’s no turning back. I need to be absolutely sure before I open my mouth and throw both our lives into complete chaos. That’s one of the main problems: how do I know for sure? Do I simply go with my instinct? Because that’s telling me one thing. It has done for a long time but I’ve managed to ignore it. Or do I base it on logic and evidence? Logic says one thing but the evidence points to something else. It’s a case of head or heart. I’ve always been a very analytical person, so that makes this worse. I grew up using my head because my parents taught me that the head can’t be wrong, whilst the heart is reckless and untrustworthy. I think this is why I can no longer bottle it up. Having so many clashes inside my head is killing me. It’s a daily struggle just to manage negative thoughts, whether it be suicidal ones so I no longer have to deal with this (or that I don’t ruin anybody else’s life) or ones telling me not to be stupid and that I’m simply a freak of nature. I could talk to others with gender dysphoria but I’m not ready to right now. I can’t be influenced in any way over this, it needs to come from me. Besides, I know I’d crumble and end up asking them to clarify what’s up with me. I know I’ve used things like alcohol and strong painkillers as a way to cope…I’m not proud of that at all, but that’s how desperate I am to fix things, so I can just live a normal life.

You know, if anybody could just say “yes, you are [insert correct gender] therefore you need to do [insert solution] to fix things” then I would be happy. Well, happier. I would know what’s going on. For somebody who isn’t in control of their own life or doesn’t know who they are, this is beyond frustrating. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always asked questions of the world: why do things work the way they do, what causes something to happen etc. As a kid, I’d take stuff apart and put it back together just to find out for myself how things worked. Today, I struggle because I can’t simply take myself apart to find the answer through investigation, logic and common sense. Instead, I try to analyse everything – debating my situation over and over with myself so my head can feel satisfied that I’m not just making a big mistake. So is this why I’ve not allowed myself to make a decision? See, there’s another question. So many questions. Like I’ve said all along, this is a huge thing, so it does need thinking about…but I’m starting to realise that I’m overthinking too. As a result, I’m genuinely stumped. Stuck between 2 warring sides. Have others with gender dysphoria felt like this? From what I’ve read or heard, most people just know and they go with it. So why can’t I? Maybe it’s not gender dysphoria after all then?? As much as I’d love to just go with that, my heart immediately steps in to remind me of a few things. Things that can’t be ignored or changed about me. It’s times like these when I realise my parents weren’t right at all. The head is full of logic and reason…but I this isn’t an occasion for logic or reason. I mean, what’s the logic or reason for me feeling female rather than male throughout my entire life??

Featured image: via Google