Fuelled By Fear

Well this week has been a really tough one. As well as the terrorist attack, I’ve been ill and run down, plus I’ve been trying to pull myself out of this rut which I seem to have become stuck in. Not even being able to take paracetamol for how I’ve been feeling has made me feel even worse. But I only have myself to blame for that. Just the idea of taking something opens the door to wanting to take a fuck load of painkillers – especially to help me cope with this week. No more happy place to go to, no more zoned out zombie state to shield me. As much as I keep wanting to, I know I can’t – a chat with my best friend saw to that. Thing is, I’m still struggling to come to terms with the kind of evil that took place in my home city on Monday. It messes me up so much that you just don’t know when it could happen again. I’ve spent my life living in the background, hoping not to be noticed but it’s made me realise that to terrorists we’re all visible – no matter how we try to hide. Whether it’s a targeted attack or simply a case of wrong place at the wrong time, nobody is invisible from them and nobody is safe.

As much as the reality of the situation is quite daunting, we I can’t live in fear. Yeh I know, that’s easier said than done. Over this week, I’ve been trying to keep busy so that I don’t have to think about how twisted the world is, or how much I need a coping mechanism. I wish I didn’t have to live in fear over my own personal situation. Who knows what could happen to us at any time, right? It’s really made me think a lot about life and what we choose to do with it. I’ve still been debating when or how I can tell my wife about this. It scares me and I’m sure she’ll want to finish what we have but I can’t not tell her. I’ve always been honest with her and we tell each other everything. Yes, it will mean the end of us but so would a terrorist attack. Anything is possible in this unstable society of ours. I’ve been focusing so much on me causing the loss of us that I’ve completely neglected the fact that somebody else could also cause the end of us. The attack on Monday made me realise so much. Aside from loss, the events which followed Monday also showed me there is a compassion with people. It just needed activating. Something to kickstart what’s already there. So it may not be my other half that understands, it may not be friends I have and it certainly won’t be my own family…but somewhere in this world, some people will be able to understand and relate to what’s I’m going through or where I’m supposed to be headed. So far, my best friend has been amazing and really understanding. I’m so grateful for all she’s done in such a short space of time. Without her intervention and chats, I’d probably still be doped up on tablets or worse. I owe her a huge thanks for making me wake up to things. This weekend, I’m actually going to visit her. As she lives in Newquay, we don’t get to see each other often so I’m really excited. At the same time, I’m absolutely shitting myself – it’s the first time I will have seen her since I told her about all of this. I will also be meeting her boyfriend for the first time too. I’m not sure which I’m more nervous about. Probably meeting her boyfriend, I think? There are only 2 people in the world whom I trust completely: my other half and my best friend…so as much as I’m nervous about seeing her again, I know she wouldn’t treat me any different or make a big thing of it. Her boyfriend has no clue about me and so I’m nervous about what he’s expecting to meet. It’s a lot of pressure!! Maybe I should have told her to warn him beforehand?! As much as the anxiety is beginning to build up, I’m trying to focus on the positives instead. Hopefully, this slightly updated outlook will stick around for a while.

I’ve also been watching a series called First Dates recently. It’s a fly on the wall kind of show which focuses on people who go on blind dates. Set in a restaurant, the show matches people based on their likes/dislikes and then invites them to meet each other for the first time on a date there…which is all filmed. It’s quite funny and interesting to see how peple interact. It’s like people-watching but on a more intimate level: their first date with a complete stranger!! One of the reasons I watch it is to see how people interact on a social level. I’m shit at social situations, so it’s like a part of me wants to know I’m not the only one…maybe even get some tips? It’s also interesing to see how different people handle news when it’s dropped on them. Some are upfront about themselves, allowing their date to make up their minds etc, whilst others are more reserved – trying to figure out if their news will cause their date to run away. Maybe I’m looking for clues on how I should approach my own situation with my wife, or even those around me?

The other side of watching First Dates is that I feel bad for my other half and I feel guilty for being this way. Listening to people on the show describing the kind of person they look for, or why their previous relationship ended, can be depressing. Nobody wants anyone with so much baggage or anything that deviates too much from the norm. At the same time, no relationship can deal with so much change from half of the couple. It’s a deal breaker. In fact, I’ve not actually seen an episode that features anybody like me. Maybe that’s a clue?! Although my other half and I have been together for over 4 years, each interview on the show is a reminder of how much has changed since we first got together. A reminder of the person my other half met and fell in love with…a reminder that I’m struggling to still be that person and that she now deserves better than I can offer her. I’m flawed. I’m not even a full person. She deserves somebody who can return her love in the way that she wants. Somebody that won’t complicate her life or cause her embarrassment. She basically needs a normal male so that she can be the female. Every time I think about this, the more I have to prepare myself for the worst. It’s heartbreaking to know that something about me will always upset, offend or hurt people – especially those I care about so much. It’s even more heart-breaking to know that this is beyond my control. Something I was born with, or something that I happened to me without my consent, is the cause and there will never be anything I can do to fix or change it.

Featured image: via Google