Well, I’m still alive after the wedding. Just. It could have been much worse but at the same time, it was still very painful. Time just seemed to drag. It was probably just me but I just felt like a stuck out. That I shouldn’t be there. My wife knew quite a few people there so she was ok. In fact, we bumped into some people she used to go to school with as soon as we arrived. As she started to introduce me, that’s when I realised I overlooked something. That’s when I just wanted to cry.
“…And this is my husband” that was something I hadn’t even considered. Yes technically I am because we’re married. But that label, it was so…I don’t know…defining? As soon as I heard the word, I knew something didn’t feel right. Like I was an impostor for using that title. I felt such a fucking idiot for getting scared of a word. I should have ignored it. But I couldn’t. Each time it happened, it was like being hit in the face by a scathing reminder of my situation. I had to focus on not getting upset or angry. After all, nobody knew of my reasons to be upset (or offended?) by it. If I was going to be upset, it would be towards myself for being this person that I am today. I spent the night redirecting any anger and frustration inward, towards myself. If I’d felt this way in private, I would have easily turned to self harm, in order to punish myself, or reached for some more tablets. As I couldn’t do anything but live through that moment, anxiety became the captain and took charge. I remember making basic conversation with the few people I knew, but that was me being polite. Obligatory conversation so that nobody would suspect how much it was killing me and how much I wanted to hide in a corner. I don’t remember most of it to be honest. Whilst there, I made sure not to pay attention to all the triggers around me. I had to remain focused on pretending to be ok.
It was the first time I’d had an alcoholic drink since I went to the doctor’s a few weeks ago, so I was quite hesitant. I had to make sure I wasn’t using it as a crutch to get me through the night. To be honest, I didn’t even drink that much. Even half way through the first drink, I was losing interest. The pain of being there, in that situation, was too much. Having become dependent on taking high strength painkillers, I also knew that the alcohol wasn’t even going to close to zoning me out. Besides, since finding control through food, I’ve been watching what I eat lately. On the night, I didn’t eat any of the food there. My other half didn’t either, as she’s trying to eat healthier, plus we both had out dinner at the hotel where we were staying for this event. Seeing other people taking advantage of all the food didn’t really get to me at all. I had other things on my mind. For my other half, I suppose she got a taster of what it was like in my situation, but on a smaller scale – that feeling of everyone around you able to do what they want or to just exist, without having to worry or behave differently…only she didn’t know it. Maybe that thought had never even crossed her mind? I don’t know. Does any of this post even make sense??? I can’t be sure. My head is still so screwed up from being there.
Everywhere I looked, I saw 2 sides: male and female. Men behaving or appearing a certain way, whilst women in their way. All I could think was where the fuck did I fit in. I didn’t belong to either side. Which one should I be? Which did I want to be??? I know they’re only labels, but they’re important ones. Those labels are the basis of a person’s identity. To be perfectly honest, I’m struggling with any sort of label right now. The same goes for titles or pronouns too. It’s another reminder that I don’t know which one I am. It messes my head up so much, and it was during the wedding as I was forced to confront those labels, whether I wanted to or not. In between making polite conversation, I simply retreated further into my head…trying to analyse my situation further, hoping to discover more about myself. As soon as I realised it was sending me on a downward spiral, I had to distract myself. Twitter helped to a certain extent. Tweeting random stuff about a made up scenario, based on a table of old women who’d all clearly drank too much. To me it was funny, plus it stopped me from focusing on all these stray thoughts that were just sending me under. That was until one of them came up to me at the bar and made a comment about us. As she walked by, she stopped and said “you both look great by the way, really really good.” I was shocked. I didn’t even know who she was. I told my wife but I don’t think she saw it in the same way that I did. That comment made me realise I’m very visible. No hiding, no escaping the eyes of others…I was there for all to see. And I hate that. Sadly, that wasn’t all. She was basing her judgement on what she saw: a male with his partner at a wedding. But is that who/what I am? I really don’t know. I certainly don’t feel it, so I don’t think so? To answer that required some kind of definition and commitment from myself. I’m in no position to do that right now. How do I want to be seen? Who do I want to be? Actually, what am I supposed to be?? What she said also pointed out to me that people will see, despite what I do to hide away in the background. They will see and they will judge. If there are to be any changes in my life because of all this, I cannot willingly put her through that sort of visibility. it would only cause her pain when people judge or stare. I’m certain she won’t want that either, which is why I’m certain she’ll put an end to us as soon as I tell her about me. I’m dreading it.
Featured image: via Google