Right now, I’m a mess. Panicking, anxious, scared, worried. All of that, plus more. Remember when I wrote about a wedding we were invited to? We got the invite a while ago and since then I’ve done everything I can to not think about it. I knew it was coming up soon and I’ve been dreading it. The only way I can cope is to run away from the very thought of it. Yeh, ignore everything to do with it. Deal with it another time. Slight problem though: because I didn’t want to think about it, I forgot to add it to my diary. Turns out the wedding is tomorrow.
FUCK.
I’ve been really struggling again over the last few days so the thought of the wedding is the last thing I need. To reiterate what I said in a previous post about it, I mean no disrespect to the bride and groom. I do understand it’s their big day and they’ve been kind enough to allow us to share it with them, which I’m grateful for. However, how I feel is purely down to me and my own situation. It’s not that I don’t want to go, I just…can’t, right now. I’m really happy for them both and wish them a great day but I’m really not happy with myself. Not happy because I can’t be the person I need to be (whoever that is) and just put my own problems to one side for it. I used to be able to, but now my problems own me…and I’m drowning in them. I can barely get through a typical day (even then I have to try and avoid the world as much as possible), let alone one that is littered with things that will trigger my anxiety, depression, guilt and shame. Besides, weddings are also a reminder that my marriage is likely to come to an end when my wife finds out.
I do get good days and bad days but, to be perfectly honest with you, the good days are very rare. Most of my days are spent inside my own head with hardly any motivation to even progress my life. How can I make plans for tomorrow, next week or next month when I don’t know what I’m doing with my life today?? My head is always full of thoughts but none of them are coherent enough to stand out. Over the last few days, I’ve been doing my best not to rely on painkillers. I won’t lie, the temptation to take them is fucking unbearable at times. Just writing that last line has reintroduced the idea of them into my head…and now I can’t stop thinking about wanting to take more. I’m a mess without them. They helped me zone out, they helped me to cope. I know it’s not what I should be doing but I’m so desperate for all of this to stop. I have been for a while. Desperate to find an end. I don’t even know what I mean by that exactly. What is the “end”?? I guess I want something or someone to fix me? To stop me from feeling this way? To take away gender dysphoria and give me a fair chance at life? Or do I mean that I need to get away from living? I’m so confused. Every thought, every decision and every possibility is drenched with uncertainty. The only thing I can guarantee is that there will be losses. Painful losses.
Lately communication has been low due to me preferring to be left alone but I did briefly mentioned to my other half that I’m not looking forward to the wedding as soon as I realised when it was. She already knew it was tomorrow. I didn’t go into why I felt the way I did about the wedding, only that I didn’t feel like I can go and that I hate social events. Her immediate reply was that I was ok at previous ones. If only she knew. Yeh, in the past I have been able to pretend or simply get drunk in order to hide. But things have changed dramatically over the last few months. I’m not that person who was living in denial anymore, which means I can no longer hide. Besides, I don’t have the strength to hide anymore. She also said she was really looking forward to going but we didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to. That hit me like a truck. One of those “no win” scenarios. She wants to go and if we don’t, it’ll be my fault. She’ll hate or resent me for it. But if we do go, I’m going to have a breakdown or end up doing something stupid. That’s not a threat, by the way. I’ve been in this sort of place before. When I’ve been faced with so much pressure in the past, or felt trapped with no way out, it’s always resulted in me doing something stupid. It’s the only way I know how to deal with not letting people down whilst getting myself through something painful at the same time. It’s also a punishment for myself because let’s face it, I’m a mess of a person and I should be able to cope better than this. Should be. Instead, I’m a disappointment to my wife and all those that know me. I even suggested she goes but takes a friend. That way she didn’t have to miss out because of me. A part of me was worried about suggesting this in case she gets drunk and meets somebody who can give her the life she actually wants (especially as I know for a fact that she’s really not happy being with me right now) but I don’t have much choice. If I don’t give her the chance to do what she wants, she’ll only get frustrated with me and looking for somebody else anyway. I’m trapped in another “no win” situation. I so wish I had something to take right now.
This wedding dilemma may seem trivial to people but for me, it’s anything but that. As I explained before, it’s another smack in the face for me. It’s also a snapshot of the much bigger problem. Every aspect of my life is affected by the way I feel and simple things that are supposed to be happy are turned into living nightmares purely because of the way I am. This isn’t fun for me and I know for a fact it’s not fun for those who are around me. No wonder my wife is unhappy with me. I don’t mean to be like this. I don’t mean to complicate everything for everyone all the time. I was irritable due to frustration before, but not having anything to zone me out is making me even more irritable…which, in turn, makes me even more frustrated. It’s like I’ve hit a dead end now. Having spent much of my life being frustrated at not being able to be or know who I am, I thought I was finally making progress when I started this journey. I thought I could figure things out and find some kind of peace. That was the plan. Not to cause more even more problems for myself and everyone I know. Things are escalating now. Becoming out of control with each day that passes. I was stupid to think I could manage because, as the last few months have shown, I can’t. So what am I supposed to do now? Where do I go? Why aren’t there any fucking answers???
Featured image: via Telegraph.co.uk
[Square Peg] (Round Hole) 