Right now, I’m really close to just giving up. Yesterday has shown that no matter how frustrating my life is, I will always be given more shit to deal with. Liberally piled on top of the shit I have already. I’m pretty gutted as the couple of days before that were really difficult due to not being at work (it was May Day bank holiday). After spending 2 days at home struggling to reach the end of each day, I was looking forward to being back at work and having something to distract me. But no. Somebody had decided I’m not allowed to escape from any form of frustration or stress. Somebody decided I needed more shit to endure.
Yeh, I could have gone out during my time off. I could have gone somewhere or done something to take my mind off things. However, these days I’m too scared to go out. With each day that passes, I feel less confident about going out. I’ve become so paranoid about what people think or about being judged that I can’t bring myself to leave the house. In fact, I struggle to even go out in my own back garden. I didn’t realise it until recently but when that guy took a photo of me he did more than push me to think about myself. He started a chain reaction. Whilst my need to find answers has grown, my confidence has severely diminished. I don’t even want to talk unless I really have to. Anything to not draw attention to myself – even when it’s just my and my other half at home. I’m not just afraid of other people though. I’m afraid of myself too. Afraid of who I could be, constantly judging myself for being this mess of a person. Hating the way I look, the way I am…hating the fact that I can’t stop the world from hating me. I know this isn’t any way to live but I don’t know how else to live. In fact, living like this is probably for the best right now. Week in, week out, my pattern is the same. I only go to work, go to the bank and go grocery shopping. That’s it. Even then, I try and go grocery shopping after the bank so it’s one less outing later in the week. Where possible, I shop online so I can avoid awkward stares and, well, people in general. When I’m out, I walk quickly from the car to where I need to go, keeping my head down – being sure not to make eye contact with anybody. Eye contact means they can stare or judge. Eye contact also works both ways, which means I’ll know they’re staring or judging me. I’d rather not know. It’s easier that way. Better to just stare at the pavement whenever I can. Just mind my own business and not disturb anybody. Being indoors, where I don’t have to face the world, is the safest thing. My own space where I can do what I want and not have to worry. But without anything to do, that time can be incredibly boring. Even more so when I have zero motivation to due anything due to depression and anxiety.
Being at work yesterday was meant to be my salvation. A chance to get on with stuff and zone out for a few hours, without the need for prescription painkillers. I wish that were the case. On most days it’s difficult enough to focus anyway, without having to deal with unreliability and disappointment. As if I don’t already have a lot of shit pushing me under, I have added stress to deal with. Stress that could be avoided if people just did their part or even just paid attention. Honestly, it’s like taking 1 step forwards and then 3 steps back. Businesses aren’t supposed to run like that. They’re supposed to grow, develop and improve. It’s difficult to do any of that when there’s no consistency. No basic starting point from which to build on. It’s not due to me not trying either. The sheer frustration just brings me to tears. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to just down all the tablets I can get my hands on. I’ve never felt so frustrated and helpless in all my life. The intensity just makes my head want to explode. In fact, the mere thought of simple things going wrong is enough to push me over the edge. I’ve not filed for a tax return yet this year. I might not do. Is there any point in carrying on with something so toxic that it breaks me down so easily every time? I used to be able to deal with it. I used to be able to brush it to one side and overlook it. Not any more. These days I drive myself crazy wondering why stupid or basic mistakes still occur on a regular basis. It’s heartbreaking to put so much energy and time into creating something from scratch, only to see it being dragged down by those around you not being on the same page, taking you for granted or just living in a bubble, focusing on the hypothetical rather than just physically doing it. What makes me cringe is then hearing them trash talk other people, when they’re just as guilty of the same crimes.
Seriously, why do I even bother? I’m trying to juggle the stress and anxiety of having no identity, and potentially losing my life, with pressures of dealing with unnecessary shit at work. Both of which are through no fault of my own. Both were dropped on my doorstep, leaving me to pick up the pieces. I couldn’t even get any more tablets on the way home from work. I asked for some at the pharmacy but they started asking all sorts of questions about why I needed them. In the end they weren’t convinced and said I should get a prescription from my doctor if I needed really strong painkillers. I was really devastated. Not only could I not get anything to zone me out, I felt like a failed criminal too. I’m going to have to see if I can get any online. Fuck me. Why is life so shit? You know what? Though I didn’t ask for this life, I’m trying my fucking hardest to make the most of it and to make something of myself. It really gets me down that no matter how hard I try, I can’t get a break. And yet I see people happily living on benefits and handouts, with no intention of working or doing anything with their lives. How is that fair? It’s been like this all my life. From emotionless parents to bullying to mental health issues and eating disorders…nothing has ever been straight forward. Does anybody else have to work so fucking hard just to stay alive?
Featured image: by me