There are approximately 7.5 billion people on this planet. Each one is busy getting on with their lives, dealing with whatever each day throws at them. I’m 1 of those people, only I’m really having trouble dealing with each day. So many questions need so many answers, even at this stage. The main one is “why?” Of all the people on this planet, of all the possible lives it could happen to, why do I have to suffer with a gender identity problem? What did I do so wrong to deserve this??
My earliest memory of feeling like there was something wrong was when I about 4. We were on holiday, visiting my relatives in the US. So what happened between when I was born and the age of 4 that caused me to eventually turn out this way? In a previous post, I wondered if anything traumatic had led to this or why it even happens. From what I do remember, I had a regular childhood. Yeh I was brought up in a strict and reclusive family but surely that’s not to blame on why I don’t feel male? I didn’t watch much TV nor did I interact with the world around me, so it’s not like I was influenced by anything external. Strange as it may seem, the thought just popped into my head one day. Thinking about it, there was no question. It’s not like 4 year old me sat in a bath tub wondering why things felt wrong. It was more immediate, like a observation that seemed really obvious. Kids at that age never stop to consider their bodies and if anything’s wrong. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think most adults ever wonder either. But I did. Back then I looked at myself and thought “why is my body wrong?” although I never really thought anymore of it. Since then, throughout the years, I’ve never really asked myself that question again. Not properly, anyway. When it seemed like it could crop up, I’d simply change the channel in my head so I could avoid it. Until recently. Despite this blog, despite all that’s happened, everything has been the result of a cause. But why did this have to happen?
A couple of nights ago, I had a bit of a bad experience. I won’t go into it too much because I know what people will say. However please try and see it from my point of view. Anyway, after a particularly shit day I needed something to calm the thoughts in my head. Naturally I took some tablets and waited for them to kick in. Only they didn’t. So I took more. There was no sinister motive, I just desperately needed a way to escape my own thoughts. Eventually they did kick in, which was great…but despite being high as a kite, and so washed out that I ended up just floating aimlessly around the house, I knew something wasn’t quite right. I realised my heart rate slowed right down and I ended up really cold and shaking. I knew I couldn’t talk properly, so I kept quiet and tried my best to focus on not letting my other half find out what was going on. Maybe I took too many, I don’t know. I’m not going to lie, the feeling of calm and peace that it gives me is worth the side effects or the risks a million times over. It was this time that I realised I was feeling something more than the confusion over what I am or what I’m supposed to do now…I was feeling anger and resentment. I’m reliant on taking whatever I can to escape this. It’s like a nightmare present that I can’t take back for a refund, or even store credit.
All my life, I’ve had to live with something that I never asked for. Whether I was hiding from it, arguing with it, lying to myself or allowing myself to explore it a little, it’s always there. Like an unwelcome leech that won’t leave me alone. It makes me angry just thinking about it. I know I sound ungrateful as there are people in a worse situation but I really can’t help it. If I had my arm in a cast, people may understand. But I’m stuck with something that nobody can see, let alone begin to understand. I’ll always be seen as a freak, until somebody can explain why gender dysphoria exists and what causes it. Only then will the world allow it to be “real” enough to tolerate. Even in one of my previous posts, I explained that it’s human nature to need answers. I’m guilty too. I need answers so I can hopefully be able to actually live my life. How does anybody even live like this? Being stuck in limbo, not knowing what I should be doing. I can’t help but also wonder how my life would have turned out if I was allowed to be “normal”…who would I be, if the decision wasn’t already made for me? It frustrates the hell out of me. I spend so much of my time helping others so I can put off my own crap…but now that I’m finally allowing myself to deal with things, who’s going to help me?
Featured image: Google