Unfortunately I’m back on the planet now. It’s been so busy today that I’ve no been able to take any more painkillers to stay doped up. I miss it so badly. That feeling of calm and peace. I need it. Especially as I’m now left with stuff to deal with. Stuff that I don’t want to deal with. More specifically: stuff I can’t deal with. I feel like I’m back to the chaos of my situation. I’m already having to take the painkillers more often and in increased doses as they don’t seem to zone me out as much now. But I don’t care. Whatever it takes to stop myself from feeling like utter shit. Then again, not being able to take any is making me anxious too. Like I can’t concentrate or focus. I’ve felt really irritable today, especially having to pretend to be happy to people around me. Forcing myself to be happy when I’m crying on the inside.
It’s not just today either. I’ve been doing it for so much of my life that I really don’t know how much longer I can keep up the pretence for. In a few weeks, we have a friend’s wedding to go to. I am panicking so much about it. Not only do I really struggle with social situations, I can’t be myself. Not that I be the real me anyway because I’m not entirely sure who *this* person is. To make matters worse, it’s a formal event. Even more restrictions. Men need to look like men, women need to look like women. There’s no grey area and therefore no compromise. I’m dreading it. Forced to have to wear a formal shirt, tie, trousers etc is against what I am – more so now that I’ve been woken up to various things about myself. I know it’s somebody’s special occasion and I can’t be selfish…but I really cannot help it. Yeh, it’s just for a few hours and it’s not something I should complain about…in fact, I feel like an utter twat for feeling this way. I honestly do. But I don’t choose to be anxious about stuff. It’s not just forcing myself to wear something I don’t feel right in either – it’s also about being in a room full of people I don’t really know, whilst not knowing myself…and being
surrounded reminded of what I can’t be. I can see me just completely flipping out and doing something crazy. I really can’t cope with this kind of anxiety. There are a million incoherent thoughts and screams rushing round in my head right now. I wish I could just get on with it and do what’s expected of me, but, as this blog has shown, I’m just not able to do that.
This anxiety building up inside makes me want to just down all the tablets I have left, so I can quickly zone out and stop behaving or thinking like this. The quicker I’m back on the moon, the better it is for everybody. If only. A side effect of this anxiety is that it’s making me feel like I need to tell somebody about it, in case they can help or suggest an answer. But you know I can’t say anything to those around me. Let’s face it, I’m so stuck right now. I wouldn’t even know who to speak to. My best friend is due to run the London Marathon tomorrow and is under immense stress. My other half just leaves me to it and doesn’t seem to want to try and find out. Plus she struggles to deal with other stuff so she certainly can’t be coping with something of this magnitude on top of it all. Even if she did find out, she’d just leave me anyway – as I’ve already established in previous posts, this is not the person she met or signed up to be with. I can’t really turn to anybody else. Besides, people around me are busy living their own busy lives. I can’t intrude with something like this. This is way more than a “dude, can I just borrow your phone charger?” kind of moment. I’m fucking crumbling right now and I don’t even know how to keep it together. Over something that seems really trivial and selfish too!! What the fuck is wrong with me?????
Whilst totally spaced out last night, it dawned on me that there’s no real fix for the way I am. Even if (and this is a REALLY big “if”) I went to my doctor now and asked to be referred to a specialist about gender identity issues, I’ll simply be placed on a waiting list and forgotten about. I think I read somewhere that the average waiting time on the NHS is about 2 years. I could be dead by then!!!! Ok, it may not be that long or (if the NHS is anything to go by) it could be longer, but the realisation that there’s no immediate help, even if I ask for it, just destroys me even more. I truly am alone. Forced to carry on doing what I don’t feel comfortable doing, having to find the energy to keep pretending and having to live with the fact that my future path will be a lonely one.
In fact, if the waiting list is really that long then what is the point of even doing anything about this?? I could just dope myself up till I’m too spaced to realise there’s anything wrong with me. Given what I stand to lose, the certainty of disappointing those around me and how crap the NHS service is, I think trying to bury this may be my best option. I’d rather suffer and die before I disappoint any more people in my life. As for the wedding, I’ll just have to make sure I find more high strength painkillers before then. Speaking of which, it’s time for another hit. The stress of today has totally worn me down and the whirlwind of thoughts in my head are simply too overwhelming for me to even try to silence them in any other way. I know I’m a coward for relying them, I’ll openly admit that. But spend 5 minutes in my head and let’s see how you cope.
Featured image: via Google