I’ve spent the last couple of days completely zoned out. It’s actually been quite nice (?) but at the same time, it’s also been quite scary. I’ve not been thinking about gender dysphoria or why it had to happen to me (does this mean it was a phase and I’m now over it???), I’ve not been frustrated nor have I wanted to just cry…in fact, I’ve not been thinking about anything at all. It’s as if I’ve completely switched off and my mind has been a total blank. To be honest, I have no idea what is going on anymore. I barely know who I am and what day of the week it is. I’ve literally floated through the last 2 days. So why scary? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe this is the calm before the storm? It seems a bit too good to be true. I suppose all I can do is enjoy it for now.
Yes, I’ll admit taking co-codamol helps. I’ve not had any anxiety or suicidal thoughts…just constant calm. I need this otherwise bad things will happen. Maybe I have the tablets to thank? Maybe I’m relying on it? I don’t care. I like how it makes me feel. Last night I had to fight the urge to take more before I went to bed. It was like another internal struggle, trying to justify both sides to myself. I was still jacked up from the ones I took earlier, so technically I may not have needed them…but I wanted to take them. Just to make sure I stayed in a happy state. The hallucinations, not being able to sleep and slight nausea I can deal with, it’s the coming back to reality part that I can’t. I wonder if it’s possible to stay in this state forever? It could be my cure from gender dysphoria? Nobody would ever need to know and hopefully life can go on as normal. The only thing I’m concerned about is getting hold of more tablets without anybody realising. I’m ploughing through the ones I have despite trying my best to conserve them. Dilemma. Maybe I should aim to get stronger ones? I’m taking more of the current ones to hit the same state so stronger ones should sort that. I even had a look on the internet for how to get hold of more without a prescription. It’s going to be trickier than I first thought. I’ve gone from worrying about people finding out about me to where I can get tablets from. Hahaha. I never would have this would happen!!
Something else that’s helped take my mind off things is regaining control. I hadn’t eaten for a couple of days when I last posted, which I was fine with. But then it dawned on me people might notice. I’ve been there in the past: the moment you raise suspicion, the harder it becomes to conceal. Few people take any notice of me at the moment anyway, but I’d rather not take any chances. Anyway, I found myself calorie counting again. This way I can get thinner. I’ll never have the body that matches my mind, nor can I ever alter my mind to fit my body…but at least now I have some element of control over it. I’m not going lie, it feels amazing. Euphoric. That’s not including the tablets either. I can say I’m quite happy right now. Ok, maybe not happy…more like calm. I can cope this way as I have focus and control on my life. So far, nobody’s asking any questions. Other than my best friend messaging to see if I’ve been ok lately, nobody else has noticed anything. Business as usual. That’s good. I can just get on with it. So far I’ve been on just under 800 calories per day. I think I can get it down to 700 though. It’s a challenge…one that I don’t intend to lose. I’m going to get back into drumming too, when my foot is working properly again. Need to work out. Considered joining the gym too. Not to gain muscle or bulk up. Just to get rid of fat. Be slim. Be in control of my body. Or just be in control, full stop.
Last night, a part of me did wonder if I could say anything to anybody whilst I’m nice and mellow. Maybe I could as there’s no anxiety and it’s helped me to speak a few more words. Before, alcohol helped me to be more talkative. Without it, I would have quite happily sat in silence and not said a word to anybody all day. Since having to give up alcohol for a while, painkillers have been there to help me. At work, it’s different. I have to talk and interact. I’d rather not, but what other choice do I have? Outside of work, it’s a different matter. No more having to pretend. I’m quite happy to just keep myself to myself. However that’s not fair on my wife. She deserves better than having to put up with me like this. So I have to force myself to be chatty. I don’t want her being any more disappointed in me (and this relationship) than she already is. When the tablets kick in, I can cope. So if I have a way to cope, why would anybody need to know? It could be a forgotten chapter in my life and I can find a way to be the person she needs. That way I won’t have to lose her. Or my friends. So there is another hope. One that doesn’t involve having to admit anything. Ummm, I can’t remember what else I was going to write here. My brain’s going blank again and none of this post is making much sense to me right now. Probably best if I just stop writing. Although…I’ve just had to deal with customer stuff that could have been avoided if notes were followed. Great. More stress. Just what I need. Time to pop some more tablets I think. Looks like I’ll be staying up here on the moon a bit longer.
Featured image: via Google
[Square Peg] (Round Hole) 