When I wrote about Laura Jane Grace and her decision to come out, I never stop to consider the other side of things. The inevitable side that always exists to bring balance: loss. Life happens and things change, there’s nothing we can do about it. But it’s more heartbreaking when I realise I’m the problem. I’m the reason why things have changed. Why things have been ruined.
When Laura was interviewed again last year, things had changed considerably. You can read the follow up article here. In the same way that the original article got to me, this did too. Even more so. You see, this newer interview was like a glimpse into how my life could end up – only, in my case, without the support or respect of others. Like in Back To The Future or any other time travel film that shows how our actions today have serious consequences for the future, this article was an example of the inevitable loss of my marriage and everything that I have now. How Laura was able to cope, I don’t know. I have the utmost respect for her and anybody else who goes through that as I can’t even think about it, let alone live it.
Part of the constant conflict in my head focuses on this loss. Knowing it will happen, should I choose to go down a particular route. Over the last few days, my fear of losing everything has resurfaced. In fact, it’s looking like it will to stick around for a while – especially as I’m still in a *really* bad place right now. I’ve become even more withdrawn and isolated. I have lost motivation to do anything and each moment is a constant struggle to find positives or to even enjoy it. I’m really ashamed to say that I’ve found myself drinking more and more, trying take myself away from this or to feel more human. I’ve also been trying to figure out why the massive downer. I’m sure it is the inevitable loss that could happen at any time now. I’ve always had trust issues and an immense fear of losing people. Losing my wife is what scares me the most. When a relationship comes to a natural end, you both realise it and find a way to move on. But this isn’t the case. It hasn’t run its natural course. I’d be derailing the relationship – effectively ruining both mine and my wife’s life. Just the very thought of being without her really hurts, let alone thinking about her moving on and being with somebody else. I know I shouldn’t think like that, but I really can’t help it. When at work (yes, we work together), I can hear her talking to male customers and she sounds happy. They make her laugh, they love what she does, they have things in common, they joke about…they get along. There’s one customer in particular that she gets on very well with. The way she is, the way she talks to them, the way she laughs, the things they talk about…it’s very different to how she is with other customers. It’s heartbreaking. She doesn’t talk to me in the same way, not since we first met and got together. There’s no enthusiasm or excitement when she speaks to me now. Like I’m the parent or authority figure who will never be on her level, or I’m just a colleague. Somebody to do the jobs at work which she can’t do. Thinking about it, I’m easily replaceable. Plus I mustn’t be as interesting as other people. We meet so many people doing this job that she could easily pick and choose. She loves video games, Japanese stuff, nerdy stuff etc. I am too. Just nowhere near as much as she is. Her ex was into the same stuff as she was. He was a better match for her, I think. She seems happier being around other people than she does with me. Clearly, things are not good between us. Yeh, there’s feelings of jealousy and insecurity. I’m jealous of all those people that can capture her attention, that can make her laugh or make her feel good. Insecure that they’ll take her away or that she’ll choose one them (or somebody else) once I tell her about me. It all comes down to the fact that I cannot be what she wants. All I can do at work is turn up the music to drown everything out, whilst trying desperately to hold myself together.
It’s yet another wake up call for me. I’m so withdrawn that I can’t pull myself out of this really dark and lonely place. She deserves better than this. She deserves somebody who she can chat to and have a laugh with. She deserves somebody that isn’t me. I know her family would prefer that. I can tell they don’t like me very much. But I can’t say I’m too fussed about that – I’m not here to please them. But yeh, that’s another glimpse at how the future may be. It’s driving me fucking crazy and I’m struggling even more. After all, she
needs wants a man to share her life with. As much as it totally destroys me to admit this (and to even think it), I can’t stand in the way of the normal life which she wants. When we met, I had a lid on these feelings. They were dormant. I was able to forget the sleeping inner conflict and focus on everything else. It wasn’t an issue. She married me for the person she knew then. I hate myself for not being the person she married or the person she deserves. I’ve never met anyone like her, nor have I ever felt so comfortable with anyone before. Around her, I feel like I can just be me. I guess it’s this comfort and trust in her that has meant I could start to accept parts of myself which I previously denied or tried to banish. I’m not saying any of this is her fault. Not at all. I’m just trying to explain how, or even why, the lid suddenly got blown off and I’m now forced to deal with something which has haunted my entire life. Only now the lid is well and truly broken. I’m now at the point were I can’t ever go back to being dismissive of it. I’ve been evicted from my bubble of naivety and ignorance. Now I find myself wandering the streets of uncertainty. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone. Or depressed.
A huge part of me keeps telling me that my wife doesn’t need me. That I need to stop being a selfish twat and let her get on with her life. I think I’ve always understood this. I know she’s not happy at all. I’d go as far as saying she’s miserable. Working together is stressful enough as it is, without me piling this kind if shit on top. That said, it can be incredibly rewarding to be part of something that started as nothing and to see a business grow from it. We’ve come a long way and been through so much – both good and bad.
Ever since we’ve been together, I’ve wanted to see her reach her full potential. To help her do better and stand firm against the world. Working together has meant I’ve tried so hard to teach her about running a business, to make sure she doesn’t leave herself open to unjust criticism or being taken advantage of. It’s been incredibly frustrating trying to teach her all I know so that when the inevitable happens, she is able to carry and be successful. I’ve mentioned why I want to see her do well but I don’t think she realises how important it is for me to make sure she’ll be ok in her life. Should I even be trying to teach her or to help her? Is it interfering? I hope not. I hope she understands it’s because I love her more than anything in the world and it’s because of this love that I want her to have the best. Even if that means her being with a real male.
I’m not sure how much longer I can last with all this going round and round inside my head. There are moments when I almost speak up and just let it all out but I quickly silence myself, hiding away in another room. I even tried telling my best friend but she’s been so stressed with her marathon training that I’ve made sure to just be there for her instead. In the last few months I have spent all my time helping others with their problems. It’s helped to take my mind off my own problems, plus it’s a chance to help…which is really nice. But there is a part of me which feels left out. Even if people did genuinely take an interest in me, I wouldn’t tell them anyway, for fear of rejection or being laughed at. Also, I wouldn’t want to bring them down with my complicated shit. It’s just nice to know sometimes that people haven’t forgotten about me. Maybe they do and that I’m simply overlooking it. Maybe I’m just ungrateful? I don’t know. I don’t know what I feel these days. Everything is such a mess. But I guess everyone is busy getting on with their lives. They have a future. They know what their life is and who they are. I just have a blog. My only outlet. Nobody reads it, nobody knows it exists and nobody will really care. Just my own words for company and my own thoughts judging me.
Featured image: via Google